...nothing develops compassion and empathy more than having felt pain yourself. What I am talking about may only happen in a hundred or more years, but I do not want it to happen ever.”
1081
“As long as I can feel one persons’ pain as my own, how can I ever Robbie?”
We walked for a time without further talk, just enjoying the peace, beauty and harmony of this world.
Meli’s quiet voice interrupted my thoughts. “Robbie, do you want to come with us tomorrow, we are helping release the first soul from a Sparkler.”
“Will Dommi be there?”
“Oh yes, she has to be there! Think Robbie, she will be mother to aliens!”
Her enthusiasm and excitement was infectious. I laughed out aloud. “This is so crazy! We have met two alien species, ignored all protocols and made friends of them. We will soon have a multitude of species as our friends and you will be providing them with worlds to live on and yet we have to fear our own people finding out about us, mostly because of our sexual reaction to the void. Do you know what is even more ridiculous Meli, our biggest enemies will be the very people we want as our friends. The decent family members - people who already have love and feel compassion are the ones who will hate us most.”
“Surely they cannot be so blind, not if they know all the truth about us Robbie?”
“Why are you in my circle Meli, why are you not with your parents?”
Marian cried out, “Oh my god!!”
They both looked at me stricken, I obviously had in my usual stupid way hit a raw nerve. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. This story with Tasso and his children got me upset. Still, I should not have said it.”
Marian put her arm around her daughter and came to me, putting her other arm around me, bringing us all to a close hug. “Do not regret what you said Robert. Even now I still find myself at times shrinking from the thought that you are making love to my little girls. It is as if I do not want to face the thought. You are right, if I, if Alki and the others feel this way, how can we hope for understanding from strangers.”
Meli asked, “How did you make peace with it Robbie?”
“I had to. To the normal person, the idea of a soul is theoretical, while to me it is a fact. I think of birth as providing a body for a soul, in other words, my children are my children, but they are also independent people with their own needs and rights and history of lives. On the other hand, I have had to go into minds of children who were damaged by adults, for instance, look at Wendy, I had to treat a multitude of little Wendy’s, even ending up loving a little five year old version of her. It has pushed me the other way, making me super aware of how sensitive and vulnerable they are, of how great our responsibilities are.
I think the key is that we remain open to the needs of children and never push them into doing what they do not want, even at times hold back from allowing them what they want if we sense they are not ready.”
“Like you did with Agapi?”
“Thank you Meli. Sometimes I fear that I am no longer as careful, as caring as I should be because I know how easy it is for my own needs to delude me, help create justifications in my own mind that would allow me to use a child. That terrifies me.”
Marian slightly relaxed, “What you are saying Robert is that it is not only people like myself, Alki and Tasso; you too are not at peace with yourself on this matter.”
“No mother, that is not right. He sees our needs and gives us the right to decide for ourselves. He never takes, all he does is allow us to offer and accepts with his love. His protectiveness is what gives us the feeling we can let ourselves go and be the people we want to be, as we know he will stop us from doing anything that would harm us.”
The words of Meli seemed to melt something in Marian and we both felt the relief in some corner of her mind.
1082
“Marian, please you must never feel guilty about worrying about your children. I will not see it as anything but your love for them. You would not be a good mother if you did not worry and doubt.”
“I am glad,” she gave me a smile, “that I did not fall in love with you. If I had, I think I would have ended up keeping myself a little girl just so as to feel your protectiveness. It must be a great comfort for the girls having someone like you.”
“He feels that way about all the Cherinians mum.”
I froze, shocked by my idea, desperately hoping I was wrong. “Talk about ‘out of the mouth of babes’!! Marian, is that what I am doing to all of you. Is that why everyone let’s me make the decisions, even when they know how ignorant I am?”
“I don’t think so Robert. I think we sense that there is something in you that is leading us in the right direction - even if you occasionally make mistakes.”
When we returned home, I felt a lot better about myself than I had for a long time. We also returned to find all the kids playing in the garden, Ulya and the little boy with them. I stayed in the house and watched; the boy was exuberant and running from girl to girl. I heard his laughter and felt the response in my girls. They had healed his heart and the joy they felt was wonderful.
The girl, Ulya, she sat quietly watching them playing. The difference was in that she was watching, no longer just withdrawn into herself. She must have been very sensitive for she looked up at the window where I was. I left and sat inside reading a book.
Wendy came in first with Ulya trailing her. When Wendy came and sat on my lap Ulya sat on the most distant seat facing away.
Wendy told me, “Claudia is trying to teach me her gift of understanding other languages. It is difficult because she doesn’t understand how it works.”
“I have a hunch anything Claudia does would be difficult. At least you can sense her feelings, that is half the language you need.”
Wendy said, “I asked Meli why we cannot use her gift. How can we talk to each other in other languages and understand when we are there. Even Daniel, he speaks a totally weird language, but I hear him in English or our own language. She says she does not have a gift for languages, it is just a part of how her world is made.”
“It might be that way with all her worlds, not for our sake, but so that she can communicate with them. Anyway, I think you will find that you and Ulya will be able to understand each other very fast. We must see to it that she has the opportunity to speak her own language also, it would be a pity for her to forget.”
“She is still frightened of you.”
“I think less frightened than she says, but more determined to stay far away from me. I don’t blame her love. She must never be made to feel it upsets me. The day she comes to me on her own, that will be a wonderful day.”
“It must not take too long Robbie, we want her in our circle.”
“If you feel that way she will feel pressured and resist. We can take her dancing, she will then be safe. The rest comes at her own pace.”
We went out to a movie and supper at a taverna. It seemed the more the girls showed me love, the further Ulya hung back. The little boy, who did not mind us calling him by his English name, Peter, has gone to the other extreme. With the girls he is totally relaxed, but with me still shy. He prattled away at Ulya who answered in very short sentences. He was not put off though and gave her his plate for her to cut his meat. She looked as if she was going to let it stay uncut, but Wendy gestured to her and she cut it and gave the plate back. He thanked her sweetly, but she kept her eyes down on her own plate.
He refused to give up and when we left he took her hand as we walked out. Wendy took his other hand, so Ulya let him.
1083
The next day I was sitting working when I decided I needed a coffee. As I walked to the kitchen, Ulya came to the door.
“Puppy. Time?”
“Sure.” I left the coffee and went to the lounge.
“Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes.” She knew what to do by now, but I wanted her to get used to communicating with me.
The days went by and there was hardly any change. She asked to be taken and I took her. She would play with me as a puppy, but otherwise kept her distance, physically and mentally. I felt I was doing something wrong, she was stabilising into a form of relationship that shut me out of her life.
“Why do you bring me here?”
I kept the joy hidden and did not even turn to look at her. “I have a gift Ulya. Sometimes the gift is good for me and sometimes bad. If you feel happy I feel the happiness and it is good. If you feel sad or you feel pain, I feel it too. Bringing you here makes you happy so it makes me happy.”
She was silent for a long time. “You will not hurt me, because you feel my pain?”
“Yes. You have seen all the girls, if any one of them feels pain it tears my heart in two. I cannot stand the pain of those I love. I even died from the pain a few times, but Cherine keeps bringing me back.”
“You died?”
“Dying is horrible Ulya. One time I died, Cherine took too long to find my soul and when she brought me back I could not talk and it took nearly four months for me to be able to walk. If you ever want to, I will show you how you can get into my mind and see everything I have ever done or felt. It will not hurt you, but then you will be able to believe that I cannot hurt you.”
“No.”
“Not now, one day if you want. For as long as you want to come here, I will keep bringing you.”
“Even if I never love you the way you want?”
“How do I want you to love me?”
“You know, like all grown up men do.”
“Not all men Ulya - just a few horrible men. When I am the puppy and you play with me, if you suddenly kicked me, would it mean that I must stay away from all little girls, that all of them would kick me?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do know, you just want to pretend you don’t understand because you are afraid.” I sent her my feelings. “Did you feel how you are hurting me? Does it make you feel better, do you feel you are getting your revenge on those men who hurt you? If it makes you happy, you may hurt me as much as you want.”
She turned her back on me and did not speak to me again for weeks. School had started and the girls wanted to be able to stay with her, but I refused to let them. I had Natalie coming over fairly often, with my mother and Themi spending time with us. I arranged for them to collect Peter, have him stay with them for a few days.
I made certain Dommi does not spend her mornings with Ulya. I am in the house and if she needs company she must talk to me. Her grasp of the English language is improving so she can ask for whatever she needs. She refused to come to me for anything.
I discussed it with Themi. He felt I was doing the right thing by being patient, as he explained, the hurt done to her was worse than her being in an earthquake or losing limbs. She needs time to heal and a lot of love. He is convinced she has not even accepted that her body has been healed.
1084
She opened the discussion in Meli’s world again. “You say you feel pain if children are hurt.” I nodded in agreement. “Why then you did not stop those bad men. They are hurting the other children now that I am gone.”
I could not answer. What justification could I give? Not only one that she could understand, but one that would satisfy me too. To say the world is full of bad men, that I cannot stop them all, was not reason enough. Here was a specific case where I could help. What of the children then? Did I let them starve? Wouldn’t others take their place? I had battled with these thoughts before and had done nothing, perhaps my excuse being that I had to watch out for my family first, for all the Cherinians.
“I do not know how to answer you.” I walked off to be by myself and struggled with my own thoughts. I returned to her. “If I go to stop them will you help me? I do not know who they are, what they look like, where they live.”
“What will you do?”
“I do not know Ulya. Do you really know what you are asking of me, of what it will do to me? You want me to hurt them or kill them. Just remember, I will feel whatever they feel.” She did not answer, but it was evident my answer sounded like a copout to her.
(*For non-English readers, copout = A failure to face some difficulty squarely - face on)
“You will have to give me your hand and then think of where they are. Ulya, when we get there, they will not be able to see us, our bodies are still back at home. Soon as you take me there, you must leave. I do not want you to see what I do.”
She gave me her hand and pictured in her mind the rooms they used to take her to. We jumped there. I saw what was going on and sharply ordered her to leave.
My protector hardly needed a command. The adult bodies were smashed against the walls until they were nothing more than a bloody pulp. I followed them into the void and attacked them there. I ordered the Sparklers not to save them as I savagely tore at their souls. The protector came and I became the void and I tore at their souls, sending the pieces to different parts of the universe. They would never be born again, or if they were, their souls would only be large enough for small animal life.
I had sensed Ulya following me and cocooned her within my energies so the Sparklers left her alone. The Sparklers all withdrew from the area and even when I stopped being the void they did not approach me. I gathered Ulya and returned us to our bodies.
“The babies!!”
“I cannot take them Ulya! I cannot!”
“They will die there. Nobody comes up to that studio, they will not be found, they will die. Save them please… please!! I promise I will let you fuck me, please save them. Save my daughter!”
Cherine jumped with me and stared in horror at the mess I had left behind me. She picked up the one toddler while I picked up the other and we jumped back home. As I handed over the little girl I collapsed to my knees, throwing up all over our carpet. Quickly I jumped to a beach.
Cherine was the first one, quickly making herself an adult so as to be strong enough to hold me. I shuddered and spasmed, dry heaves wracking my body as I wept. When I finally collapsed, the girls took me back home and put me in bed. They lay to either side of me and tried to keep me anchored to this world with the warmth of their bodies and their love. I heard weeping as I faded away.
Cherine refused to let me be, her soul followed as I sank into my mind, into that endless pit of darkness within me. She clung to me and tried to hold me up. I was no longer aware of her, only the pictures of what I had seen and what I had then done smashing through me again and again.
The others arrived with Dommi and they lifted me back up till I floated upon a cushion of souls. I could not break out of my nightmare and kept trying to fling myself away from them. The girls grimly held on.
1085
Wendy dove into me, sharing now my pain. This brought the protector which immediately drew us apart. She sent the images to the others and she sang of the pain that was eating away at me, leaving me torn and helpless to fight back. She tried to sing to me, to bring my tattered remains back together, but I could not hear her.
Cherine spoke sharply to the protector and with Dommi, the two of them enfolded me within them and carried me to the void. Though at the time I was not aware of all that happened, it was all being ‘seen’ by my soul and now I can recall everything. Solomon appeared with Ordinx and a number of his people. They were shown by the girls what had happened and what is wrong with me.
*Cherine, will you trust us? We need to send into him a few of our parts. They will not hurt him.*
*Trust them Cherine, they will take away the darkness and pain.*
They stole the pungent urgency of the images, leaving behind the pictures that were now pale ghosts of what they had been before. My mind sank into a sleep.
*We saw him when he arrived and tore at those souls. We have never been so sickened, I saw him afterwards search for me, but we were too shaken to come to him. Now that I have seen and can understand what drove him into this frenzy, I will explain to all the Sparklers.*
Ordinx went on to explain, *Solomon called me. He sounded so distressed that a number of us came thinking he had problems with the souls being released. He told us what Robert had done and we were all faced with a terrible fear of what must have happened to drive that gentle soul into such a madness. I half suspected someone had done some evil to his loved ones. When he has recovered Cherine, you tell him from us that the Anadir people understand and his passion has made us love him even more. He must get well for the sake of his loved ones and for all of us.*
They brought me back to my body and over the days I slowly came back. It was always to a terrible grief, not for those I had killed, not only for what I had seen them doing to the babies, but also for myself, that I could have become a primeval creature of lust for the final death of another.
“Cherine.” She came to me, her face tender with her love. “Did she really say that? Did she say her daughter?”
“Yes Robert. She is actually nearly eleven. She menstruated early so they made her pregnant on purpose so as to sell pictures of a nine year old pregnant girl.”
“For god’s sake, why didn’t she ask us to bring her daughter?”
“She did not want her Robert. She was also the child of the man who did it to her.”
I reached out and felt Ulya, her baby in her arms, and I saw the mess of pain and memories within her and I was sick again.
Cherine almost sounded like our Dommi. “Good Robert. Be sick, but remember what you just saw, those were what you killed. They deserved it and if you had not done it, I would have. Would you have preferred I had done it?” I managed to send my negative answer before sinking back into myself.
Days later I had a surprise visitor.
“The girls asked me to come see you. They say you committed another crime and need to confess it to me.”
“You are now claiming that priests and cops are the same, they both take confessions?”
He smiled at my weak humour. “Tell me what happened Roberto.”
“No. Come into my mind, see for yourself.”
I started from my last conversation with Ulya on Meli’s world and when I finished, Dommi was ready with the basin. He remained hunched over far longer than he needed to.
“You carry your vengeance too far Robert. I ask you on behalf of all Cherinians, on behalf of my children and all those who are to be born, swear that you will never do that again. If you must take a life do so, but let the soul find a second chance to atone. It will grow and atone someday if you allow it to. Perhaps it will atone by having done to it what it has done, perhaps by saving others, we cannot know. This is wrong Roberto mou, it is wrong.”
1086
“I swear Savva, I swear, never again.”
One good thing that came out of this was that I ended up seeing everyone again. My brother Henry (who is staying with Socrati even though he jumps each day to be at school with my girls), Angelo who is still trying to find what is loveable within him, and even my Chinese family, little Lua charming me all over again with her sweetness and beauty.
Through all this, through my long hours of sleep and thinking, I felt myself sensing Ulya. When she came to me I felt the determination in her like a tense coil pushing her towards me.
“Are you better now?”
“Almost. How are you, are you happier now that you have your daughter?” She did not answer but began to undress. “Ulya, what are you doing?”
“I promised I would let you fuck me if you saved her. I’m keeping my promise.”
The darkness grew within me again. “Oh Ulya, how could you? How could you think of me as being the same as those men?” I wept as she dressed herself and left the room.
She walked out of the bedroom, and then almost ran all the way out to the garden. This alone would have alerted the girls, but Cherine had been monitoring our conversation and her face was livid as she got up. Dommi stopped her.
“Both you and Robert are wrong. She made the offer, he got her child. She was keeping her promise. Cherine, Robert was not upset that she was trying to keep her promise. He was upset because she still cannot see he is different - even after he killed for her sake. Our poor Roberto, his love for the children who suffer is forcing him to do all the things he hates about mankind. I think it might be better to let Wendy talk to her.”
“You are upset Ulya?”
“Leave me alone.”
“I will not. I almost feel like punishing you - do you know what the punishment would be? I would sing a song to you and that song would hold all the pain in our Robert and it would make you want to die. You saw how sick he is from what happened. Did you think it was just the killing that made him sick? It was the pain in you, in the two babies he found there, he became sick from seeing what those men were doing. Why do you think he went mad the way he did?”
“Why doesn’t he leave me alone? What does he want from me? What does he want?”
“He does not want your body. I think you will agree he has enough girls to love him. You are very different from me Ulya. I suffered, but when he saved me and I felt his love, I gave my heart to him. I will never love another man as much as I love him.
You were not hurt by one man, there were a number of them and that has made you hate and fear all men. That is stupid. Most men are nice, they would never do those horrible things to you. Robert only wants to feel the hate gone from you, to know that you can be happy. He does not even ask that you love him. To tell you the truth, I think you must be very stupid not to want the love of someone like Robert. You have seen how powerful he is. You have also seen he has never used his power against you, only for you. He has been gentle and patient with you. When we, the girls, get impatient, he tells us we must give you as much time as you need. Where do you think you will ever find someone else to love you like he does?”
“I don’t want anyone to love me.”
“If your wish had come true, who would have saved you? Who would have saved your daughter? Would you have preferred that she still be there being hurt by those men. Would you like Robert to go back in time and change things back to the way they were?”
1087
“He can do that?”
“You try and think of anything that you are certain he cannot do and I will be able to show you that he can do it. Who else could bring back to life a girl who died over a year ago? You have found yourself a friend like him and you keep turning his love away - how can you?”
“I do not want to...Wendy, what must I do?”
“If I were you I would go back to him. Do not talk. Just ask him to let you into his mind so that you can see what a wonderful person he is. Then afterwards, ask him to come into yours. He will not harm you, but he will find all that hurts you and find a way to make that pain go away forever. Before you do anything though, you first ask Cherine if he is strong enough. As strong as he is, his body is weak and keeps wanting to die. We have to look after him.”
“Why did I have to meet men like those who hurt me, why didn’t I have a father like him?”
Wendy sat down, a gentle sadness flowing from her. “I have my own theory about that. Do you think Sam or Bernie or the twins, even Cherine and Dommi, do you think they can ever know what a miracle he is the way I do? After having suffered the way I did and then having a Robert in my life, I will spend the rest of my life knowing how special what I have is. They only think they know. Maybe you will one day join Claudia, Aganthi and me as one of those who really appreciate him.”
“We Ukrainians say that to enjoy the Summer you must first have lived through a Winter. He is your Summer Wendy?”
“He is my Summer and he is my sun.”
“I have been so afraid. I saw that all of you went every night to sleep with him. I even heard you making love, I felt it. I was afraid he will one day make me go into his room at night.”
“I’m sorry, but you have that the wrong way around. He will never ask you to. You will have to prove that you really want him or else he will not touch you.”
“Wendy, are you sure? I have never met a man like that. I have lived in the orphanage since I was a baby. We hear about other children who have parents who love them, but I never met any good grownups before.”
“It is time you meet one now then.”
Cherine let her come to me that same evening. She felt that the earlier I knew the better it would be for me. Ulya came in and stood by my bedside without speaking.
“Ulya, I am sorry I could not take you to Meli’s world. I can’t tonight either. Can you wait a few days for me to get stronger again?”
“Not for puppy, I came to say I am sorry.”
“Sorry! Whatever for? You are the one that all of us should say sorry to. Sorry for allowing men like them to hurt a child like you. Ulya, the sex and pain, it was bad enough, to also hear how they made you pregnant on purpose just for some photos, that sickened me. I am sorry if I made you feel it was your fault I was sick. It was not, it was the fault of those men. You know, I saw your photo once and thought, what a lovely girl, how lucky some man will be to have the love of a girl like that. I never saw the bad photos and thought it was sweet. I never imagined what pain was behind those beautiful eyes.”
”You paid to see my photo!”
“No! I would never do that. I am not that stupid Ulya. If I pay, then they have money to use for hurting more children. Some friends and I steal their photos and give them to others who need to see them for free. That way they also do not spend their money for children to be hurt.”
“You like to see photos of little girls having sex?” I sensed the dismay in her.
“Ulya, you are misunderstanding me. Think of what I have already said.”
“But you said you collect the photos and give them to others.”
1088
“Try to understand, there are a lot of men who cannot love a woman. What they love, what they dream of is a little girl. Because they really love little girls, they spend their lives lonely, without sex and without someone to hold them, because they are afraid they might hurt the little girls. For them, to see photos helps to take away a little bit of their loneliness. Those men are not bad and they also will never buy any photos because they know their money will be used to hurt children. They steal the photos, photos that stupid and bad people have already paid for. By them having the photos they are not hurting any children.”
“I do not think I understand.”
“I am not surprised. You have been through too much to be able to. Just let time heal your wounds sweetheart. Ulya, I do not feel the hate you felt for me anymore. Does that mean you do not hate me?”
“I was stupid. You are not like them, you helped me. Now I also have my daughter.”
“What is her name?”
“I have not given her one. I think the orphanage gave her a name.”
“Then choose a name, she is your baby.” I saw she was still anxious and this conversation had been a strain on her. “Ulya, I am sorry but I need to sleep a little. Will you come back to talk to me a little tomorrow?”
She gratefully agreed and left. We all felt her heart was lighter and the girls made a big thing of her daughter, showing love for her tubby little girl. I had sent the healer to the babies, but it had returned to me, Cherine had ordered it to watch me until I am completely well, as the babies had not been harmed and the effects of bad diet could be fixed by their healers.
Now that the visit with Ulya was over, I soon had them drifting in and out, laying by me for a cuddle. I heard the voice of Alki outside my room, but he did not come in. Somehow all this comforted me and I fell asleep.
Claudia and Aganthi bullied me early in the morning, making me promise that if they went to school I would get up and sit in the garden. Since they could sense me, I could not break my promise and Dommi saw to it that I had my book and a light blanket wrapped over me. She brought me a plate of sandwiches, coffee and a cigarette.
“Dommi, could you order for lunch some keftedakia (small meatballs) with chips and then fry me an egg to go with it? I feel the need for something more substantial than bread.”
“How about lahano-dolmades with white sauce; Natalie made some, she can jump here with a plate for you.”
“Food to die for! How about two plates?”
“You that hungry!?”
“No, I was thinking of Ulya. Are they happy with Peter?”
“I think that is why she wants to come here.”
Natalie told us that since the little boy has been with them she has felt the love in Themi grow, but that he is getting very depressed. She does not know what to do.
“It sounds as if things are coming to a head. Do not push yet Natalie. Let his love grow. Then you give a huge push.”
She laughed. “You are a scoundrel. You like to manipulate people don’t you?”
I teased, “Shh, don’t say that, if Cherine hears you I’ll be in trouble.”
Dommi asked, “Natie, has Themi got any family?”
“Back at the village. Some cousins I think.”
“Ask him to take you there. Maybe one of them knows what is troubling him.”
1089
I thought she was wrong, “Dommi, they would not speak to her.”
“The men would not, but if she sat with the women in the kitchen, I’m sure that at least one of them will be a gossip.”
“Oh well, try it. I don’t think they will talk, not if it is something that still hurts him.”
When the girls got back from school, they took turns sitting by me, finishing their homework as quickly as they could so as to be by my side, the little ones gleefully free to sit with me. I noticed Ulya watching and I felt the impression it made on her to see them eagerly touching me, kissing and cuddling. Their love was far too obvious for anyone to miss. Soon as they felt her questions and need to talk with me, they all disappeared.
“Are you better?”
“A lot. Love is still the best medicine.”
“Can I also call you Robert or should I call you mister...”
“Just Robert.”
“Robert, I think I would like to be friends with you. I think I must first apologise for what I said. I should not have offered to let you fuck me. I had never met a man like you and did not understand. It was also wrong because I did not want to. I never will. Will you still want me as a friend?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve never had a man be my friend before. I’m not sure what I should do.”
“To be a friend only one thing is necessary. We must like each other. Do you like me?”
“I think I do, but I am also afraid of you. I have seen men fighting and hurting each other. You did not fight. You were so strong!!”
“Didn’t the girls also tell you that I am maybe the weakest man in the world? I am only strong if I need to protect those I love.”
“But you don’t love me!”
“I wish you could come into my mind and see for yourself. When I send you the feelings I have, for some reason you do not believe them.”
“Can I really come in and see how you think?”
“Easy, want me to show you how?”
She swallowed hard and nodded. I went into her mind and she let me carry her over. I showed her how to sift through my memories and feelings and left her to it. She was a bit rough in her handling and I kept getting flooded by my memories as she handled them. She forgot herself and it grew dark and chilly. The girls brought out blankets, though my healer had already enveloped us both in a cosy warmth. It was getting late into the night when she stopped and I helped her return to her own body.
She was exhausted so I let the girls take her to the kitchen, feed and put her to bed.
Soon as the girls had left for school and Dommi was busy cleaning the house, Ulya came to me.
“How can it be true? Why don’t you hate me?”
“Are you asking because I should hate you or because you deserve to be hated?”
“Both.”
“Then you did not look at me properly. Do you need to go back and learn about me? I want you to know me Ulya, so that you never need to have one moment of fear or doubt again.”
1090
“But I showed you I hate you, how can you not hate me?”
“You have been hurt, you have the right to fear and hate. Now the girls and I want you to get to know love also, maybe then you will no longer need to fear or hate.”
Her face was completely devoid of any emotions as we talked. With that same empty face, her eyes still lifeless she looked at me. “I saw how you love all of them and your memories of making love to them, see(?) I did not say fuck, I learnt a little. You say you want me to love you, then you will want to make love to me?”
“If you would rather be my daughter only, I would be just as happy.”
“If you promise to never touch me I will try to be your daughter.”
“I promise to never touch you, unless you ask me to.”
“No! Then you can make me ask you.”
I hid my chuckle from her. “You are a suspicious little blighter. I promise not to make you ask me. It must be of your own free will, without pressure from me or anyone else. Ulya, do you mean I can never kiss you goodnight or give you a hug?”
“Yes.”
“That is a very sad condition you are putting, but I’ll accept.”
“Thank you.”
“Will you agree to become a Cherinian?”
“Even if I won’t have sex?”
Gently I answered, “Yes.” She nodded her agreement.
“You saw how we exchange motes of love when we dance in the void?” She nodded again. “Will you at least allow me to give you my love over there?”
“Can I try with Wendy first? If I like it, maybe.”
“We have to wait a few days, I am still not strong enough. Ulya, I need Dommi to come and hold me. If it upsets you to see that, can you play by yourself for a while?”
Dommi came to me and she lay by my side and held me. I moved her so that her head lay upon my shoulder.
“She has made you sad Robert?”
“You heard her conditions. It will be so difficult to remember to never touch her at all.”
“After the dancing she will change.”
“I think not. There is something dead in her, it will take a lot of time, especially as she will not allow me to help. I could use some good news for a change love.”
“You just got yourself a new daughter and granddaughter today. That is not good news?”
“A daughter who does not love me. Does not even want to. She has chosen to be my daughter for she sees no alternatives. She does not want to return to the orphanage. She only wants to secure herself until she is old enough to work and move out to her own home. Does she show or feel love for her daughter?”
“If she had not pleaded for her I would have said she does not. She must be hiding whatever she feels.”
“Maybe it will be easier for her to grow to love Wendy and then all of you.”
“We do not want her love if she will not love you.”
Αλέξανδρος Ζήνον Ευσταθίου
(Alexander Zenon Eustace)11th June, 2019
- posted on Steemit:11th June, 2019