“Experience has shown that at least three people are needed for the Kaleidoscope World. Nobody has to die to do that, otherwise we would not have ever experienced it. If there are enough of us, all we would have to do is take turns, so as to hold that lonely soul until more of us die. That is, I think, why Robert is so desperate to increase the numbers, whether in our circle or not - and whether he knows his reasons or not.”
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I could see the flaw in her argument, but kept a tight lid on it so that none of them also see it. They were so joyful I saw no reason to spoil it for them. I projected happiness also, for I now knew we would soon be able to prevent any of my girls from following me.
“Themi, if you are happy with that for now, tell us the second problem, why you see this as a dead-end mutation.”
He flushed. “After the way Dominique shot me down, you expect me to open my mouth again?”
I laughed. “Themi, my sweet Dommi was just being kind to me. I had not thought of her solution either and if you had not brought up the question, we might not have thought of it in time if we had lost one of ours. You have seen how strong is our grief, we would not have sat and looked for an answer, we would have just taken immediate action.”
“Alki and I are worried about this thing, you know, all babies joining the circle. It would have been a better evolution if they were to go off and create new circles outside of their own families. Otherwise the in-breeding would finally...” it was as if a light had been switched on as he faltered, “I am being stupid! You have, maybe all will have, healers. No recessive genes will be allowed.”
Dommi smiled at him, very sweetly. He laughed, delighted, clapping Alki on the shoulders. “She is going to show us how stupid we have been again.”
“No, not stupid. This time I cannot point out an answer, we have not been a circle long enough to know anything of what will happen. I can only tell you, my instinct says...”
“Your mothering instinct?” Alki asked.
“Maybe, I cannot say. Alki, different loves feel different to me. Maybe my mothering instinct was part of my loving Cherine and Wendy, but it was only a part of my loving. With our babies, any baby to come from any of us, I think it would be the main part of my loving.” She stood there, thoughtful for a moment and she made me think of the ancient Greeks, she could have come from any of their myths, a priestess or goddess of love and the primal mother.
“Any family with three or more children, even if they all love each other, two will have a greater love for each other. No family member loves all the others the same. If they have good and loving parents they love them too and yet when the time is right, they usually look outside the family for a mate. Why should our children be any different? I feel there is a possibility that they will find love outside our circle because they will not belong within the circle the same way we do. What worries me is that we have seen, when we were part of the Kaleidoscope World, that our children and further generations were part of our world. Maybe they will form part of sub-circles, with less interaction with us, sexually that is; perhaps our daughters will join with our sons.” We all saw that mysterious smile on Cherine. We all stared at her. Dommi turned and saw her and I felt their mental interaction, but stayed out.
Dommi laughed. “Robert is disappointed. He is totally a degenerate, he has been looking forward to impregnating all the generations…” As I blushed and feebly protested, they all laughed at me and the girls faded away. I sensed that Alki and Themi wanted to remain on their own for a while, so I also left for home.
As I arrived at my front door I could hear the screams and laughter of the two little ones. I stood outside, listening to them. It is not often I see or hear them play like this. I wondered if my presence inhibits them, making them feel they have to act more like grown-ups because of our relationship. From what I was hearing, obviously Dommi does not affect them the same way. I had been given a lot to think about that day and these thoughts brought on an aching sadness. I knew that the truth about my inhibiting them was not as simple as I’d first thought and had very little to do with our being lovers. The main reason, I realised, is my personality. I tend to be too earnest, I do not know how to play. I guess I have never known how to, neither as a child nor as an adult.
I turned away, to give them more time to play, since I would not be a good companion with my melancholia suppressing my mood. Since I could sense that Alki and Themi had gone to his home, I walked back to the local kafeneion (coffee-shop) and nursed another bitter cup, black as my heart. I felt someone by my side and looking up saw my Dommi.
342
“Ti einai agapi mou; (what is it my love?)”
“Nothing. Why have you left them alone?”
“I sort of felt I was in the way and then I sensed you outside. When you did not enter I had to come. Something is eating at you. Did I say something wrong to the others?”
“No. That you definitely did not. You did surprise me, but I am getting used to that. Because of my dream, we talk about how Cherine is maturing, what she will be like as an adult, but the truth is, you are going to be just as big a surprise. Dommi love, you are already nothing like the shipowner’s daughter you used to be and the changes, your inner beauty, they are accelerating, changing you into an amazing woman - even if you now look younger. Talk about surprises, Wendy sure created a whopper of a surprise. She has me totally confused. She is not following our pattern. Our new gifts come at times that we need them - not with her. She just thinks of what she wants to do and does it. How does she even think they are possible?”
“It is her age, plus we must never forget that she spend almost all her life a prisoner in their apartment, not playing and sharing with other children or listening to grownups talking with her parents, as most children do, so she has few preconceptions that resemble ours about life and our world. I have thought of an example. I had a funny idea some time ago while I was thinking of Wendy. I said to myself, what if I heard that people can be on the other side of the world and within hours be back at their home in England, but I did not know about aeroplane’s? If I believed they can travel just by wanting to, would it be possible for me? She sees us doing things that should be impossible and thinks all that is necessary is to want to do it, and she does it. Be happy for her my love, with what she has been through, she needs as much magic in her life as she can get.” She sadly added, “I think the rate of change in her is going to slow down as she learns of what is considered possible and what is not.”
“Oh I am happy about her experiencing all the magic she is capable of, you should know that. I am just feeling a bit down that’s all. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the earlier discussion.” I decided it was pointless trying to hide the reason and told her. Dommi stared at me, her almond eyes obviously not believing her lovely ears.
Softly she placed her palm on my cheek, her eyes tender. “This comes from the man who took a tattered soul and played puppy? Who took the frightened baby Wendy and cured her? What is it you want of yourself, Roberto?”
“If I was just a father to them they would be able to play like the children they are. Instead the one is about to have a baby (while she is not much more than one herself) and the other is scheming how to do the same. They spend their time worrying about me, watching over me because of my stupid weaknesses. I am stealing their childhood. I have stolen from them the one thing I love most about children.”
“Oh dear, that is bad. I wonder what they were doing then when you arrived home today.”
“Dominique. Please don’t.”
She looked hurt for a moment because I’d said ‘Dominique’. As she stared at me her face softened again and she took my hand. “Roberto, you did not have a choice - Cherine did not allow you a choice and all you’ll achieve by blaming yourself is to force Cherine to take on the guilt. There is no guilt for either of you, so please stop it.” She paused. “Would you want to stop loving them the way you do? Am I wrong to be taking part?”
“Not for you - for me…I don’t know. No. That is bullshit. I’m totally hooked on both of them. But was it the only way? And making her pregnant, I talk about her tricking me, but how much of it was because deep down I wanted her to?”
“One thing I learnt from you Robert, we are always unreasonable with self-blame, so there is no point in my discussing this further. By the way, thank you for saying you would die for me also. Now, come with me and see for yourself why they were playing so happily.”
I smiled. “They had a reason?”
343
When we entered the house I saw them now quietly sitting in the lounge. As I went to them I blinked and found they were not there, they were at the bedroom door. They again disappeared, but they betrayed themselves with their giggles. They were lying on the bed, totally starkers (γυμνούς). They looked so sweet I could not help smiling as I teased Cherine.
“You trying to turn my baby into a degenerate like you, Cherine?”
“You got it the wrong way round. She is teaching me…things.”
As they launched into their explanations, how they were practising appearing in different places, dressed in a variety of ways, even this miracle could not hold my attention. I lay down so that my chin was resting on her knee. I looked up and saw her eyes and a faint blush on her cheeks. I could feel how my heart was bursting with love for her and I realised I have never given her alone that deep kind of love. I glanced at Cherine, she wrinkled her nose at me, like a little rabbit, smiled and walked out, taking Dommi with her.
As I got up, Wendy, puzzled, lay down on her side, her honey hair now already much longer, fanning out. I caressed her cheek with the back of my hand. She put her thumb in her mouth, sucking it as her now violet eyes stared at me.
I placed my face next to hers and stared back, my poor normal eyes trying to send her their own message. She did not move, except for curling her knees up between us. I smiled gently. “Do I tell you often enough how much I love you?”
Her face nodded up and down without her eyes leaving me. I gazed at her pearly skin, so clear and beautiful and felt an irresistible urge to touch her translucent face. My fingertips lightly ran over her and I gently caressed her lips with mine. I sensed a slight fear in her, the intensity of her feelings were scaring her. I asked, “Can I come in and play with you a while?”
She closed her eyes, face beaming with her pleasure and anticipation. I slipped into her world and found her waiting. She was still shy, but the swirling corona glinted with her joy. I spread myself until she could no longer see me and pulled myself back in on the other side of her. She started when I appeared and projected her giggles. I huddled away from her and we began the ‘puppy’ game. When the game had run it’s usual course and she was caressing me with her tender reassurance and I became the happy, foolish puppy, wagging tail and frisking in joy about her, suddenly she withdrew and I sensed a fear, more of a hesitation. She wanted something, but was afraid of my disapproval. I broadcast to her my warm loving feelings and openness to her.
She pulsed for a moment and then broke up into over a dozen separate identities. She (they) must have been expecting my terror for they all sent me laughter with their joy at being themselves. I blanked off the emotions and fear I had, so that they could not sense it. I sampled each message and found that they were basically the same signature, but with a full rainbow of minor differences. I was puzzled until I realised I recognise two of them. One was Wendy herself, though amputated of a large part of herself. The other was little Wendy, the one I had played with before. She danced up to me, beaming her joy at being with me again. I sent tendrils of my love and joy back into her - I had never expected to see her again as an individual, thinking she had been absorbed into the wholeness of Wendy.
As she and I played and danced and shared our exchanges of all the beauties of our love for each other, the others came nearer and I felt their need to be included. I could not believe the one of her, she was Wendy at no more than a year old. It seems Wendy had released herself into all the crucial parts of her ages that made up the totality of her personality. There were the fearful ones that drew me, still hanging back but yearning to come closer. I called to the confident ones and asked them to ‘adopt’ the fearful ones. Each to pair with one and encourage them, inspire them with love and warmth. I sent out and cuddled the baby Wendy so that she felt safely ensconced within my ‘arms’. She was making baby ‘sounds’ of pleasure and her heart opened to me with love and trust. I cooed to her and sent my ‘mothering’ love, bonding in minutes with her.
344
As we devised game after game the pairs gradually drifted apart as they all got involved in our games. Soon even the most fearful one, she was very shy, had allowed me to enfold her within my love. She was the one who was to send me the strongest pulses of love. She was very intense. Looking into her I found she had been the one who had lived through the very early period of adjustment, having to bear the beginning of torture by her father, some of the loss of her innocence and childish trust through having to helplessly watch as he hurt her mother and herself. I spent a lot of my love on her and took what hurts she still held to her and exchanged them with those feelings of my treasuring her, of the beauty I saw in her. I showed her myself as I had looked when I lost my front teeth and got her to change her feelings into little giggles of amusement as I clowned about.
Throughout all this, my Wendy of now had hung back watching. I called her in, asking her to join and become part of the love I am giving the others. I then concentrated on getting them to interact, to give of themselves, their love to each other, to get to ‘know’ what the differences and the similarities between them are and see how they are all one. As they blurred with their love and acceptance of each other they began to coalesce until they were all part of my one Wendy again.
The difference was startling. This was no longer the Wendy soul I had seen before. As beautiful as she had been, she had been but a pale replica of what she had now become. She was a glory that broke my heart with her beauty. She has become the most complete soul I have ever seen; at total oneness with all of herself.
I had to get the others to see her. I called them and they came and were conquered by my little Wendy baby, our precious love. She outshone us all, but the most amazing part of it all was the clarity, the crystal purity and crispness of all her colours, of her being. Cherine disappeared and moments later she returned with Marian, showing off to her the new daughter she has. I could not bear all this beauty and happiness anymore and withdrew.
I opened my eyes and her face was still in front of me, her thumb still in her mouth, but there was a look of beatitude that entranced me all over again. She was reflecting the love and adoration she was being given by the others and I could not help wondering what would the world be like if every one of us could be made to feel like that at least once.
She sighed and opened her eyes. Even as they opened they were looking deeply into mine and I was paralysed as they had changed colour again. They were almost midnight blue with specks of gold. Even as she gazed at me they faded back into her normal dark blue, but it did not matter. I would remember, I knew, those midnight eyes for the rest of my life and probably be doing all within my power to see them again.
As her thumb came out she whispered, “My unicorn?”
“Not yet my love, just a poor little soul totally devoted to you.”
“And my body?”
“And your body, and those lovely lips I am dying to kiss again. My precious Wendy, I love you so much.”
My Wendy has grown. With my new sensitivity to her, I realised I was not to make love to her. She needed to make love to me, to give of herself instead of taking. She was so soft and warm and every ounce of her was so intensely devoted to showing, giving of herself to me, I found myself lost within the ecstatic sensations of being loved by such a beautiful soul. For me, it was as if I wanted to absorb her into my body, make her a part of myself. The pulse of her heart seemed to merge with me, reaffirming the oneness of our love.
I kissed the top of her head and held her tightly. She dozed off and I lay at peace with myself for a while. When she awoke, I decided to try one more thing, a novelty for both of us. My new sensitivity, almost making me able to feel all her sensations, as from inside her, as with the other girls, had given me the idea.
First I called and brought her into my mind, opening paths for her to know my body and the flavour of my sensations. She was a child in her amazement and greedy absorption. I then picked her up and carried her to the shower. I washed and dried her and brought her back to our rumpled bed.
“I want to give you a new gift. Something none of us have experienced before. How would you like to be Robert and I’ll be Wendy. You will only feel my sensations, I will project myself onto you, so that you are the man. As Robert, as me, you can take my virginity.” I cautioned her, “Just be gentle with me, my love.”
As she stared at me, not fully comprehending what I was offering, I projected and she grew confused as she felt the center of her sexual organs and sensations move out of her body. She looked down at herself and her penis. She touched it and began to examine it. It was all totally real. It was her penis, it really was there to her and me. She looked at me and saw herself. Her penis stiffened and she looked down at it again in amazement.
345
“You are the man, you take the initiative my love.” She became disorientated as she heard me talking with her voice.
“What do I...” again she became confused as she heard herself using my voice. She laughed, delighted. It was strange for me to hear my voice coming from outside myself. Quickly I called my healer and told it what is about to happen and that it must not interfere until I call to it. I knew this is going to be painful for me, but hoped it will be worth it.
She soon got carried away, forgetting I am just a small girl. She was immediately apologetic, but I felt upset that she had not thought ahead to how she could hurt me. That part of me that sits in the background watching me, was amused as it realised that by assuming a little girls body I am beginning to think like one.
She was still immersed in her needs, the acute ache in her groin. I looked at ‘his’ face and wondered whether I too get that exact intense, agonised look at such moments. I saw ‘him’ as it dawned on ‘him’ that ‘he’ had not thought of me, not done anything to give me pleasure. That now ‘his’ penis was flaccid and did not feel like it would be swelling in the immediate future. The dismay was almost comical and I told ‘him’ to relax, I did not mind, I could wait. And of course I could - apart from the pleasure of pleasuring ‘him’ I had not become that aroused yet.
It did not take long for me to realise that ‘he’ was no longer acting with the instincts of femininity, ‘he’ was mostly thinking like a man, just as I was thinking like a little girl, our projected bodies dictating to us how we feel.
It no longer made sense to think of him as ‘her’. Or myself as male.
The phone rang. Distracted for a moment he looked up. I quickly put my hand to his head and pulled him back. I saw a smile of anticipation mixed with pure joy as he looked up. A while later, he pulled back and looked at me, his dark brown eyes silently questioning me.
“Yes my love, come into me, make me your woman.”
His face was drawn as he looked and tried to insert his index finger into me. We both felt how tight it was and he looked back up at me. His face was a war-zone of wanting and fear.
“Put it in me, love. I want it, I’m ready. You won’t hurt me, I need you now. Please.”
The passion was burning in him and I saw his face that looked as if he was mad at me and I sensed he has lost himself within his world of lust and passion. I was in agony, but there was no time for anything else as he began to thrust. My cries of pain he thought were of passion and they drove him wilder, his rough hammering tearing at me inside. In a way it fired my imagination, but my arousal was long since dead, buried under the weight of my pain.
When he finally withdrew, I only felt relief that it was over. I lay there, the tears no longer running down my face, but shuddering still from the pain inside. I sensed him recover his ability to think and knew what was coming.
Aghast at the tears and pain he saw on my face he moved down and using his fingers gently pulled me open. He saw me bleeding, not just the blood from a ruptured hymen, but the running blood of wounds from tears deep within me. He cried out in anguish and as the blood ran onto the sheets below me he panicked and ran out calling for Dommi, forgetting that we are projecting, that I am not really a wounded little girl.
The girls came in and saw what he had done to me. Cherine sent her healer to check the damage. My healer, staying hidden, prevented her from healing or seeing any further.
Cherine turned her face to Dommi, her bloodless anguished features speaking for her. She turned to Robert and without trying to sense him, demanded, “How could you? How could you?”
346
He looked crushed by his own anguish and did not reply. Dommi took me in her arms and held me, crooning softly to me, feeling my pain and trying to take it from me.
“Robert, please, my healer can’t help her. Send yours in. Please.” Cherine was crying as she saw the stain of blood growing. I decided it was time, I’d had enough of the pain and there was no point in taking this any further.
I switched off the projections. Dommi dropped me and Cherine, quick as always to understand, flew at me, her fists flailing at me. Wendy, her arms around her knees huddled on the floor, sobbing. Once the attack on me was over, I waited silently while they comforted Wendy. Cherine was still giving me angry glances now and then, but Dommi looked at me once, giving me a hint of a smile that asked me to be patient while her eyes warned me she has not totally forgiven me.
Wendy gradually told them all that had happened, but though she spoke to them, her eyes were on me. When she had finished I sat up and invited her to come into my arms. She shook her head and looked down.
“Robert, that was a really nasty thing to do to her.” Cherine had calmed down a lot, but I sensed she still did not understand. “After all the trouble you went to so as to rid her of all her fears, you hurt her like this.”
“No love. There is no need for her to fear, just to understand. Come here baby and stop looking away from me, there is no need for you to be ashamed. I played a nasty trick on you, but I did do it for your sake. Give me a chance to explain?” I stretched out my arms and this time she came to me. I thought to myself, ‘isn’t it lovely how trusting kids are?’ and kissed her with gratitude, and of course, her trusting nature helped warm my heart again.
“Wendy it was not really a dirty trick. I started off by thinking you would enjoy feeling what it is like to be a man. I was not prepared for the way you would feel the lust a man does - I only realised it when I found myself thinking like a little girl. You forgot me, you wanted and took what you wanted. Not because you were bad, but because you did not have the experience to control your new body. I would never expect a child to know how to control the urges of an adult body - for you it was worse because it was not even your own sex. You did not first try to make me want you, you just did it. I suddenly realised that if you tried to take my virginity you would hurt me badly. So I explained to my healer and then tempted you until you did it. You understand? I made you do it. Oh the pain was real. Shh, it was my choice. Even though you know I am not really torn, you still feel bad about it? That is what you are asking me to do to you. Even if I can heal you, can you understand now why I cannot, not loving you the way I do?”
She nodded, her head against me and I squeezed her. Then of course the others started asking questions. I explained and they were fascinated by the concept. Of course they already had an idea of what it is like from being able to share my body and when I projected as little Dommi. Now though they wanted to experience the full feelings of being male. I promised after the babies are born.
There was still an undertone of anger in Cherine’s voice as she said, “It sounds interesting, but what you are saying is that it was okay for you to go through the pain, but not for her - or any of us. Forget it Robert, I’m not going to argue with you, this is not the time - what I really want to know is, what happened to Wendy before this. When you called us to come into her and see her soul, it…it was the most fantastic thing, only you, when you join your healer to you, have been as wonderful as she was. How did you make her like that?”
“Not me Cherine. She did it.” I went through the whole story, letting the girls share from my mind the full memory of healing our Wendy. I suggested it might be a good idea for all of us to go through the same procedure. They only had to remember my memories, the fearful little baby I’d held, the melding of the various ages of Wendy, the sight of her afterwards to agree wholeheartedly.
“Right, we have something important to discuss before I kick you all out so that I can have my Wendy to myself for the rest of the night.”
“You haven’t done enough, you want more?” Cherine’s naughty look reassured me she was not jealous, just being her cheeky self.
347
“This is our first Christmas as a group. Thank God we are not going to Ydra this year, but I want to know what all of you would like to do.”
I got them out of the door, having given direction to their thoughts - I hoped they would plan something quite delightful for all of us. I returned to my little baby doll and swept her up in my arms. I hummed and danced around the room with her and I could feel a happy laughter inside her, maybe at my poor and slightly off-key humming. When I lay down I kept her tightly against me. Neither of us had dressed and though there was nothing sexual in our clasping of each other it was pure sweetness. Our hands continually caressed and our breath mingled many a time as we softly kissed. As I thought she was about to doze she gave a tiny self conscious laugh. I sat up on my elbow and looked at her.
“Robert, I’m hungry.”
“After all that exercise as a male, I’m not surprised. What would you like to eat, I’ll get it for you, since I would like a cup of coffee.”
“Can we go out to a taverna? I’m tired of cold meats.”
We all went together and Wendy and I made pigs of ourselves. I even had a couple of glasses of wine so that when we returned I flopped onto the bed and once Wendy was in my arms I sank into a deep sleep.
I’ll grab this opportunity to explain something I’ve written about a number of times without providing enough information for it to make sense for those who do not share in our gifts. I’ll use the scenes when I entered the mind of Wendy for illustrating my explanation.
I first spoke of playing puppy with her. Here is a more factual version: When I entered, I saw the soul, as we see it when still in the mind, which is not the same as in the void - I think it has to do with how we see each other, not only with how we really look, for when we compare what we saw afterwards, the images only vaguely agree. Wendy also saw me as a scintillating form of energy, whatever shapes I thought I held were wavering and constantly changing, like those movies where they have speeded up the clouds as they alter shapes. When I decided to be a pathetic puppy, emoting a yearning to play and of fear of her, my wish to be the puppy meant that she vaguely ‘imagined’ she saw me as a puppy, or having the essence of being a puppy - as she would see a puppy, not as I was internally visualising it, for all I was sending is my intention, not the shape or colour, for instance. At the same time, though thinking of me as a puppy, and thus finding the courage to play with me, Wendy did show she was also aware it was me.
The next example; what Wendy did, when she split off at the various nodes of her personality (which translates as being her various ages when she underwent experiences which strongly affected her), was translated, I think, by her wanting me to see them as they physically would have been outside her mind, so, what I ‘saw’ was probably to some extent influenced by her, but how I felt them to be, affected me more strongly. Perhaps as we grow stronger and learn to see into each other more deeply, or how to have more control over our astral bodies, it will be how we do see, but at this time I found they only vaguely reminded me of the appearances of Wendy at her different ages. When I held her baby self, not only was she able to resemble a baby Wendy because of me (sort of, without firm and definite outlines), so did I look more or less as an idealised version of how Wendy sees me. Again, she was the essence of a baby Wendy, as I was the essence of a Robert.
Before deciding to write about it, I had not truly realised what a miracle our energy bodies are. I mean, I gave five year old Wendy a spank on her bum and I caressed the one year old version! It required that not only did I see them as having a form, I also assumed for them an interface (surface?) which was almost physical - of course, they mostly only felt my intention (spank and caress) and translated it to be real, just as I did.
I suspect that what we experience is nothing but the early stages, just as an eye adjusts, bringing objects into focus, and that as we repeat such experiences, we will learn more and discover much more to learn. I wonder where it will end - could we perhaps someday make love to each other as souls? The odd thing is, hardly any of this is possible in the void, where we truly are and see each other as souls. Themi suggests the difference might be because of us being mind and soul when meeting in a mind, while being purely soul when in the void. I don’t see it being that simple, how does my soul in the void have my mind and personality if my mind is not taken with it to the void? I find the fact that we have so many questions and so much to learn, exciting, but I am willing to wait for time to show us just how intricate and complex the truth is going to be.
348
When Dommi sensed we are awake and ready to end our private moment, she entered the room, so absorbed in her need to confess something, that she did not greet either of us. “Robert, too much happened last night and I did not want you to take your mind off Wendy, I hope you will not be cross with me for not telling you then.” I smiled at her indulgently, as if I could ever be cross with my Dommi. “Alki phoned last night. It seems they might have found your mother. She is alive my love.”
My heart turned cold and hard, shocking me - and the girls who were monitoring me, thinking to share my happiness. Wendy cried out in distress. I tried to soften my thoughts for their sakes.
I think I was also explaining to myself as I told them, “I’m sorry my loves. This is going to sound illogical, but I missed her and wanted to see her just one more time. But it was when I thought she was dead. To know that she is alive and never, not once tried to see me! She cannot be the woman I thought I remembered. No, I will not see her. It is better she stays lost to me. At least I know the truth now.”
As if I had a choice, with all three against me. When I gave in, only so as not to make them unhappy, I silently vowed to keep my heart of stone when I meet and leave her again. Cherine gave an angry shake of her head, but did not speak. She might have thought that since it will be days before she arrives in Greece, they’ll have time to wear me down. It did not work out as she hoped, I was not often open to discussing it and when they insisted, I’d let them have their say, but refuse to speak.
Alki had arranged for her to fly to Greece, realising I would not leave without my girls and there was no way I could take them - immigration can get very sticky about a male travelling with little girls who are not related. I approve of them being sticky about this sort of thing, so my comment was not meant as a criticism, just a sad reflection of what we human beings are like.
I refused to go to the airport to welcome her, so my loves stayed with me and Alki collected her from the airport. As we sat waiting for him to bring her to our home, my family were patently discomfited by my silence, but I kept a tight rein on my emotions as I was not willing to relent an inch, not even for their sakes. I could not understand why then I was so anxious.
Chapter Forty Two
I do not know what I was expecting. I knew she would be in her late forties and I had my memories of what she had looked like, so I only expected something slightly more wrinkled than I remembered. When Dommi opened the door for them and she entered, I felt as if my knees would give in from my relief. This must be some impostor, she was not my mother, she was an old woman worn out by a hard bitter life. Her mouth was a lipless thin grim line, nothing like those soft smiling lips I remembered.
Alki strategically introduced her to the girls first, without looking at me. Before the others could shake her hand, Cherine took a couple of steps and put her arms around the old woman and reaching up kissed her cheek. “Thank you for coming aunt Rose. Now our Robert can be happy again.” She turned around, looking at me and I was surprised to see tears running down her cheeks, but a happy glow to her eyes.
*Cherine, no way that grim old woman is my mother. You’ve made a mistake.*
She ignored me and introduced Dommi and Wendy. They all took their lead from Cherine and hugged and kissed her. By the time I was the only one left, she was a very bemused woman and I sensed a feeling of suspicion as she looked at me. I couldn’t help wondering what there is about me she was suspicious of.
I tried to smother the aggressive tone in my voice as I asked her, “Do you recognise me?”
“No.”
“But you are Rose Teller?”
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“Yes, I was. You are Robert?”
“Yes.” Cherine’s action had convinced me she is my mother, and by hugging her she had told me she is good. However, I still felt - I still clung to the coldness, the hardness in me. “But not the Robert you knew.”
She gave her first smile and I had a glimpse of my mother again. “I can see that.” A sadness came into her eyes. “I see your father managed to turn you into his image.”
I was stung by her comment, but the way I was feeling, she was right. Aggressively I replied, “He did not bring me up in his image. He did not bring me up at all. He left my life after you did.”
“Aunt Rose this is not our Robert. He is never like this.”
I was furious that she would dare apologise for me. “Cherine!”
She looked at me and her tear stained face was sad. “Robert, your face is the same face you had when you did not love us anymore. I hate it!!”
Suddenly tears were rolling and I could not stop them. “Why did you leave me. Why did you leave me with him? You knew what he was like!”
My tears upset her, but her voice was no softer than before. “Are you still so young that you think everything is as it appears? Are you really still so innocent!”
She would not elaborate and the girls began to run interference for her. I realised this would get me nowhere. This hard embittered old woman was not going to apologise or explain. I muttered an excuse and left the house to take a walk - with Alki in tow.
“Roberto mou, you must give her some time. You cannot meet your mother after so many years and expect her to fall into your arms crying.”
“Why not?”
“With that cold face of yours? I would hesitate and I know and love you. Roberto, just as you have your memories of pain, she might have hers also. Give her the time she needs to believe in you so that she can tell you her side of the story.” I did not answer because I felt the shoe was on the other foot, she is my mother, it is her duty to worry about me first, not herself.
Over the next two days I hardly had a moment with my girls. They spent their daytime with her and Alki made sure we went out for supper the one night and invited us for supper with Marian the next. On the third day, I was sitting at my computer when Rose came in and sat at the only extra seat, since it seems the soft comfort of the sofa did not suit her mood. She waited silently while I worked. I finished a difficult piece and sat back to look at her.
“I was not being deliberately rude, I was in the middle of something complicated and had to finish it.”
She ignored my apology. “You have questions you want to ask me. I do not think I will stay much longer and you spent a lot of money to bring me here, so ask them.”
“Why did you never try to contact me? So many years and not once did you...”
“Are you sure? Did your father always tell you everything? Did he tell you why I left? Did he tell you of how I tried to take you with me? Did he give you any of my letters?”
Her dispassionate tone, her face closed to me, these would have perhaps fooled me. With my girls around, not a chance! They emoted to me, sending me the feelings behind the mask. I saw a change in her eyes and realised what the little minxes had done.
I gave a half-hearted chuckle. “They did it to you also? We don’t have a chance you know, the girls are determined that I get my mother back.”
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“They did that, made me feel what you are feeling? How is it possible!”
“Yes.” I grinned, guessing what a shock it was for her. “They did it to me also. Can we leave the explanations for later?” I turned serious again. “I felt angry and hurt and I was determined not to allow you to see my feelings. They will not allow me to hide. They tell me that you have suffered too much and they will not allow me to add to your pain. So, maybe we better try and talk and understand each other.”
Dommi walked in, her eyes soft with love, and I knew Cherine had sent her in as they knew I would not get angry with her. “Rose, I think you should know, since I have been with Robert, he has died a number of times. At least two of those times, it was your face, your love that helped save him. He needs you, but he is a very obstinate man. Please don’t allow him to push you away.”
Dommi looked so scared but determined, that I burst out laughing. I took my mother’s hand. “Come with us. We have something to show you. If we don’t you are going to start thinking we are crazy or you’ll become afraid of us. Dommi, you call Alki and Marian, tell them we need them to come dancing with us.”
As we sat in the living room, waiting for Alki and Marian to be ready to join us in the void (from their own home), Wendy realised it was okay now and dashed over to sit on my lap before Cherine did -I’m amused and touched by how Cherine is always just too late, she’s a real softie with regard to Wendy. My heart was full of joy and I held out my other arm to Cherine. With both of them in my arms I tried to explain to Rose what we are and what we want to do. It was as if the words flew over her head. All she did was stare at the girls in my arms and Dommi who sat cuddled up to me also.
“You are not like your father! They could not love you so much if you were!”
Her face came alive and for the first time I saw tears gathering in her dark eyes. I played a hunch, for once not needing my loves to hit me on the head with the obvious. “Rose, you’ve got something you want to tell me. Before we do anything else, I think you should tell me, especially if it is hurting you so much.”
She nodded and slowly told us her story.
My father had not wanted children. When she was pregnant with me, in reaction to the news, he had a vasectomy. Over the following years he grew colder and more distant. No tiny gesture of tenderness, no words of love. She tried to compensate by devoting herself to me. He grew angry and stopped her from ‘indulging’ me. She was at her wits end, facing as far as she could see a life empty of love, when she met Eddie. She succumbed to her need for love and slept with him.
She found herself pregnant. There was no way she could pass the child off as being my father’s as, apart from the vasectomy, he had not touched her that way for nearly six months. She told him she wants a divorce and she will take Robert back to Ireland with her, so he can have the solitary life he wants. He told her I will be staying with him and I will never be allowed to see her once she has left. She tried to commit suicide, but he found her in time and took her to a hospital in Nairobi. From there he got a ticket for her and sent her back to Ireland, since she had no relatives in London. He never did divorce her because they were both Catholics.
She had a baby girl. (I thought to myself with pleasure, ‘I have a sister’). She had no money and no jobs were available for a woman of her age with no training or experience. She managed to earn enough for food and rent by cleaning houses. Neighbours allowed her baby girl to play and be with their kids while she was at work. When Laura was four and a half she ran out of the gate to get her ball and was hit by a car, dying three days later.
For the first few years, the letters she sent me did not return. When she started getting them back from Kenya she realised my father had moved and she had no way of tracing us. With the death of her daughter, she became convinced she had sinned and was paying for her sins. There was nothing else left to her, just the empty years of struggle and pain when she thought of her lost children.
“Dommi, Cherine and you too Wendy, thank you. I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life.”
Αλέξανδρος Ζήνον Ευσταθίου
(Alexander Zenon Eustace)28th March, 2019
- posted on Steemit: 28th March, 2019
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