Months ago I would have dissolved in my pain at that single word. Now all I felt was hate and the flare of the protector.“One.”
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We coaxed it out of her. The words were disjointed, not descriptive, but her emotions and projections of the unfolding events painted her words with painful eloquence. These are some of the words as they appeared to us, for I cannot write them all, they are too ugly to be in the diary. Maybe I will be able to write them someday, but not now.
“He was watching football and drinking beer. He called me and made me sit on his lap.” She stopped a moment, bent her face to look at the sheets. “I was not allowed to wear any clothes when he was at home.”
Dommi gently put her hand under her chin, pulling her face up. “You must never be ashamed or afraid of looking at our eyes. They only see you with love.”
“I was afraid and by mistake I knocked his bottle of beer. It fell and a little piece of the neck broke off. He grabbed it as the beer came out. Then he said, ‘I’ll teach you not to waste my beer.’ As he was holding me on his lap he pulled my legs open and stuck the broken bottle into me and cut me inside. When he was finished he picked me up by my legs and took me to the bathroom. He threw me into the bath on my head and told me to wash the pieces of glass out. After a long time he came and asked me, still cross, if I got rid of all the glass inside me. I was crying and dizzy, could not talk. He got very angry and said if he got cut he would stick the bottle in my tummy and kill me. When I woke up I was lying in the bath and I knew I had to wash or he would hurt me again. I could not do it properly, my head was hurting so much from hitting the bath. I kept getting dizzy and falling. I was so afraid he was coming back. I kept trying, I promise, I did try.”
She was wailing with her remembered fear and pain as we bunched in, holding her and sobbing our hearts out. The dam broke and she sobbed with us. Our sharing of her pain had reached through allowing her to become human again. It also did something else. She reached out to us with love and we felt our circle expand, snapping her in. This should have melted my heart with joy and in a way it did, but I blocked it off. There was something inside me, cold and hard, that I could not let her feel. Something I did not want my other loves to feel either.
The problem was, I no longer was fully human. I was the Protector. The Avenger. We grabbed her pain, each tiny detail, we added the pain of the group and sped into the night to find him. He was in a bar picking up some woman, relaxed because he’d decided he could not be blamed for Wendy’s condition anymore, even if she is found - and he doubted she will be. We thrust the broken bottle into his vagina. We gave him all the pain with ours added and fed his own pain back to him. We took his disease and kindled it, fed it so that it multiplied a hundred times and destroyed every cell that was still healthy. We kept him alive. We kept him alive until he was far gone beyond pain. We dropped him, but we could not return home, there was still too much rage and hate. We sped to the void.
We found him there. We became the void and tore at him and repaired him and tore at him until he was a mindless scream and nothing else was left. As he disintegrated we sped, screaming, wanting to escape from our own memories and hate.
Chapter Thirty Five
When I woke up, the girls were busy washing me and themselves of my vomit. I lay there in misery, a tight knot of hate still burning within. The hate was for myself. My head was on a tiny lap. I looked up at Wendy, my eyes blurred by tears that would not flow.
“He is dead. I killed him. You are free.”
It was Cherine and her sick pain that forced me to forget myself. She came into my arms, despite the muck still on me and sobbed. “Dominique, our Robert is hurt. Help me please.”
“Shh. I am not hurt love. I’m alright now.”
“Noo!!” she wailed. “I knew you before. You never had hate. Now you are black with it.”
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She was inconsolable and I sensed the effect it was having on Wendy. Strangely Dommi was quite calm about the claims of Cherine. Then Cherine became aware of Wendy’s distress and growing fear as she thought something bad has happened to me and swallowed her pain, trying to hide it. Dommi held Cherine to herself, holding her tightly. Voice and face calm she talked to us.
“We had a job to do. We had to save a child’s life. We did it. We were very lucky, she was so special that she was able to become a part of our group, even though we had felt is was impossible for all three of us to fall in love with another person at the same time. I feel as if I am now complete and I know the two of you feel the same.
We had to pay a price for that. Can we really complain? Is she not worth it, worth far more? Robert took it upon himself to pay the price alone, as if it was his right to take it. We as a group have to remedy that. We will share it, the three of us who are strong enough. That way it will not sicken Roberto anymore, the load will be lighter if shared.”
The thought of my girls carrying one mote of this ugly darkness within me sickened me. It was not possible. The girls would have torn into me for my decision if they had not realised the sharing was physically impossible. There was no way the protector would allow me to infect them with this incurable disease that destroys the purity of the heart. Anyway, her theory was wrong, a fallacy earnestly offered in the hope it would help us. If I could have shared and I had, my guilt and pain would have been worse, not lighter.
Cherine’s voice sounded heartbroken. “Robert you made me angry when you said I was a nastiness in you. I am sorry, I understand now, you were right.”
My sweet Cherine was not trying to hurt me on purpose, but the implication was clear. It was I who now was the ‘nastiness’ in them.
Dommi broke through my tortured thoughts. “Roberto, can you rejuvenate Wendy, make her five years old?”
“Why?” Then I realised that in many ways Wendy is about five. “I can try. Physically that is.”
I sensed how pleased my answer made her. “Good, we must try. I want her to have the two last years to live again, if we can make them be as if they never happened. The other benefit is that they are looking for a seven year old.”
“I love the idea. Cherine, I think you better watch out. Dommi is catching up with you.”
In reaction to the grief that had filled her, trying to break free of it for my sake, she tried to tease me, even though her heart was not in it. “Maybe, but I am not worried about that. What scares me is I think Wendy is already passing you!”
I grinned, but was also curious as to how Wendy will take my teasing. “Wendy, when you get more clever than me, are you also going to get nasty like Cherine?”
“Never!!” She blushed. “I mean Cher not nasty.”
“You tricked her. That was mean. Dommi, you sure you should make her five? Then she will not have a chance against him.”
It was my turn to tease her. “Not so bright of you Cherry baby. Only her body would change. With her natural charm and intelligence, compared to you, she would be eleven.”
Wendy was starting to not tense up when she heard us teasing. Our teasing had served its purpose, the subject had been changed, calming all of us. Then there was only one thing I wanted desperately. I wanted to go home, but it would not be fair to take them on that long ride for nothing, not while the presence of Wendy increased the risk of her being noticed by the police.
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“Wendy my love, what do you think. We can try to make you look like a five year old child. If we do manage it, your body really will be that of a five year old. We cannot make you forget the last two years, but your body can live those two years with us.”
Dommi stopped me. “Wendy, before you answer, I need to ask you a question. Have you got any family back home. Grandparents, uncles or aunts?”
“I don’t think so Dommee. Not from my mummy.”
“Okay then, what do you think of what Robert asked you?”
Wendy asked, hopefully, “You make bigger?”
Dommi tenderly asked, “Why do you want to be bigger?
“I also want to be wife, like Cheri. Can also have a baby?”
I grabbed a pillow and stuck it over my head.
Dommi was feeling sick at the thought, but she hid it and asked her, “Wendy dear, do you know how you get a baby?”
“Yes, Robbie has to do what daddy did.”
“And you would want Robert to do that to you.”
“No. Scared. It hurts so much. But love Robbie. For him will, if Cheri can and still love him then will also.”
While I wondered why or how anyone could love me so much, and feeling humbled by her big heart, the girls explained the difference between what her father did and what I would do. I went for my shower to get rid of the smell.
As I was relaxing my muscles in the hot water, my face upturned I felt a little hand touch me. Instantly I knew it was Wendy. Cherine emoted their love. Knowing they wanted this still left me feeling uncomfortable. I had not saved her, killed her father for this.
“Robbie. Sorry.”
“For what pretty baby?”
“Did not know. Thought you did what daddy did. Thought you hurt very bad. They show and it was lovely.”
“I would have thought the same if I was you. No apology needed.”
She had stepped under the water and was shyly clinging to me. I felt her love as Cherine sent it to me, but more important right now, was the trust. The fire, the passion that comes to us, that driving mindless force was burning in her, even though she did not recognise what it was. I realised that her nudity, her clinging to me was not recognised by her, or identified by her as having anything to do with what her father had done to her. With him, her feelings had only been of terror and acute pain.
*That is right, stop being a hairy ape, teach her how beautiful it is. Loving her will help heal her when she learns how gentle and sweet it can be. Robert, if you don’t, she’ll never love. Stop thinking of it with guilt or else you won’t be able to help her.*
I was in no condition to work out how much of what she said is true, but I could feel the needs of my little Wendy. However gently I rebuffed her, I knew she would think it was because of what her father had done to her - she would never understand my reasons. I knelt and tenderly washed her. I made every touch a caress of love. Her body slowly relaxed and when she opened her legs for me to wash her, I knew my evident love for her had rid her of some of her fear. I did not need to sense her, the way she was leaning onto me, enjoying being held and caressed, was enough to vanquish my fears for her.
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I carried her wrapped in the towel to our bed. The sheets had been changed and the girls were waiting for us. I laid her next to Cherine and got in. “This will be the first time for a long while that I make love without being able to double sense every touch of mine. What if I make a mistake?”
“Robert, trust me, you will not. Even before the gift you never did. You are too sensitive a lover.”
I lay down and lifting Wendy, placed her on my chest. God she was so small and light, still mostly skin and bones. Just not so gaunt anymore. As I stroked her back I could feel her knobbly spine. With my eyes shut I let my fingers sensitise themselves, searching for the points that would give her pleasure. When I had finished her back it was almost a pity to move her. I placed her on Dommi.
I went to her feet and slowly worked my way, fingers only, to her upper thighs. I deliberately avoided any erotic caresses, thinking if she totally relaxes and falls asleep we can leave it at that. When I turned her over and rose to massage her shoulders and arms I had a shock. I could swear her blue eyes were a deep violet as they stared at me. When I moved to her face and rubbed her softly I was almost uncomfortable under the intensity of her stare.
Dommi was holding her by the waist. I took her arms and raised them to her skinny shoulders and lightly rubbed her chest and tummy. Lying on her back her stomach was collapsed under her hip bones. I hardly looked at her small bump as I passed by it and massaged her down to her toes. I rose back to her face. I ran my finger over her lips and then over her eyes to force her to shut off her unsettling stare. Softly I passed my lips over her face in light butterfly kisses. When they reached her full-blooded lips she was actually smiling.
Turning her over again, I placed her face over a breast and gave her a nipple from Dommi for her to suckle. Now my fingers were caresses and sang their own song of tingling sensations to her sweet smelling skin.
- I’ve never mentioned something I forgot would not be obvious to others, because we have come to take it for granted. For all of us, I’m including everyone we send our healer to, the prime health (prime health means the absolute perfect health of our bodies) the healer brings us, means that all poisons and other body wastes are removed and our skin has the sweetness of healthy scents. Never a sourness or the acrid smell of corruption, even after a day without a bath. Her scents were at her peak of the beauty of her age. -
As I reached her waist she was suckling and with her hand squeezing while the other hand was pressing at the other breast. I looked to Dommi and she was smiling. Cherine drew my attention to the fingers clutching and pressing at her other breast. She had pressed a few drops of thick creamy yellow liquid out of her. *Are you feeding her?* I went back into her body and felt the milk being suckled out of her. It sent my passion soaring. Wendy moved her lips to the other breast, still hungrily feeding. *Isn’t it a bit early for that?* *I made it for her.*
I returned to my caresses, pressing at her last few spine bones and rubbed her thin cheeks, kissing and sucking at her, my tongue teasing. I sensed she needs reassurance.
“Cherine love, come see how lovely she is. Just taste her.” Cherine stuck out her tongue and licked. Then her open lips nuzzled at her. She returned her to me.
“She’s lovely Robert.”
“Keep it sweet, good. Too much can feel like pain.” She nodded.
I raised her off Dommi and put her on the sheet. She moaned, wanting to return to her warm shelter. I looked to Cherine to guide me. She motioned to me to return her. Happily Dommi put her arms around her, cradling her. Knowing the fires that must have been burning in Dommi I could not believe it when she closed her eyes and fell asleep. All I could sense was a contentment far more powerful than I have ever felt emanate from her. She turned to her side holding Wendy to her.
I looked at Cherine and her hunger was burning in her. We moved to the sofa in the lounge. Careful not to allow our passion/s to emote from us I was able to bring her over the edge. As she pressed herself to my lips in her sweet agony, I was drowned in a fierce love for my little Cherine. For some reason I did not need the release, my needs had faded away just as Cherine achieved hers. I curled on the sofa with her back pressed to me and we slept.
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I woke them at about five in the morning so as to get home in time for Cherine to change and go to school. As soon as we arrived, Alki came to see us. He spoke to me in Greek. “Have you seen today’s paper? Her father is reported as dying early last evening. Apparently he was HIV active and had so many things go wrong that he died within a minute or two. The people in the bar say he was screaming in terrible agony.”
“Alki, you did not come here to tell me what is in the newspaper, you came to ask me a question.” I looked him in the eyes. “I killed him.”
He sat down and surprised me by asking, “Why. Why now?”
Dommi took Wendy for a walk in the garden and I gave him her words, leaving out the memory of the pain which had shattered us and driven me into a frenzy. I told him of my reaction and what I had done. All of it.
“I needed to talk to you Alki. You are the only person I can unburden myself to. What I did is affecting my closeness to the girls.” I explained about the seed of dark hate I now hold within me. Of my fear that the Protector, the Avenger, could erupt again and cause me to kill again. Of how I cannot share this with any of the girls and how it is driving a wedge between us.
Again Alki managed to surprise me, even shock me a little, though he made sense. “Roberto, you cannot imagine how relieved I am that you were able to kill him - and he did deserve to die. I have a child coming. That child will belong to your world, not mine. It has worried me that if you cannot hurt or kill to save yourselves, what future does my child have? However wrong it may seem to you Roberto mou, there are and will be, for a long time, many who take pleasure in hurting and killing others and it would be wrong to leave all those you love at their mercy.”
Theoretically I disagreed. “If we can kill, what future is there for us; in what way are we better than the old ones?” I sat silent, trying to find the courage to admit to myself what was really troubling me. “Alki, it is not the killing alone that has me so sick of myself. It was not just a murder. It was revenge. I was vicious with hate. I tried to force every conceivable pain into him until even my powers could not keep his body alive. When he died I pursued him into the void. I do not understand how I did it, but I became the void and used my power as the void to cause him pain that you cannot even imagine. I would not even allow his soul to dissolve, I continually repaired him so as to inflict more and more pain. I have endured the pain of the void and once was unbearable agony. He was forced to suffer it repeatedly. If I had only killed him for being the vermin he is, I might have found a way to live with myself. How do I live with what I have done, with what I have become?”
“That is not something I can give you an answer to at this moment, if I ever can. Like all poor mortals, you will have to find the answer to that within yourself. Roberto, please do not do as so many do, looking for answers for their own morals from others - depend on what is inside you. All of us are born ethical, search for who you are and develop your own code of ethics - do not try to be as others would wish you to be. A thought for you to consider, it might be that the new species needs people like you to protect them until the world becomes a safe place for them. I think the girls could not have done this, so maybe you are half of each world, created to protect them. I don’t know, these questions are too deep for a simple man like me.”
“Half? Maybe you are right. I should have seen that before. There have been enough clues. I should have seen it when we were able to bring you and Marian in. You do know that what we thought was impossible has happened? Wendy became part of our circle. We all fell in love with her at the same time. It was also impossible to save her without doing so. When I found her mind, it was so ravaged, so shredded by the pain and fear in her, that a gentle breeze could have dissolved it. I had to strengthen it by giving of myself. She has taken my gift of seeing the others’ thoughts and already has made it far superior to mine.”
Every time I speak of new gifts or of them growing stronger, I sense an unease, a fear that he does not want to acknowledge. He tried to change the subject. “Themi is a very disturbed man. He told me that what would have taken his profession a lifetime to repair, you did within hours. How did you do it?”
“I played with her in her mind.”
“Played!”
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“We tried to strengthen her with love, but she blocked us out. She thought that love was what her father felt for her. I assumed the nature of a small puppy, eager to come and play. I showed fear of her mixed with an intense need to play with her. I was silly and pathetic and vulnerable. Once I had drawn her and shown the frantic pleasure of a little puppy, she was able to play and slowly I withdrew her pain and replaced it with love.”
“Poor Themi. If I tell him he will despair of his profession. Using psychic gifts for playing and puppies!” He chuckled. “My poor Roberto, on the one hand you sicken yourself by being a vicious killer and on the other you are a healer, sensitive to a child’s torn mind. You are a victim of the same contradictions as all humans.”
“Your idea makes a lot of sense. In this one detail Themi was right, only Cherine is of a new specie. She is able to act as a catalyst (καταλύτης), opening the mind of any human she needs. There is only one problem with that theory. If you were to ask, could either Cherine or Dominique kill to protect the others, I would find myself betting it would be far more likely Cherine who could.”
I’d unsettled Alki, perhaps with an image that he felt tainted the way he saw her. “Don’t put words in my mouth. The theory is yours, not mine. I do not believe it.” I then saw a proud grin appear and he said, “Nai, she is a pallikari (warrior).”
He insisted we are not in a position to understand nor to categorise, since so many of the rules are new to mankind. He wisely remarked that we need to learn more before we can make informed judgements and reminded me of how many times I’ve had to change my way of thinking as our abilities have grown, providing us with new understanding each time. He asked me to share my pain with the girls. When I explained the protector would never allow me to defile them with such pain and ugliness, he asked me to share it with him. The idea of our Alki sharing made me feel sick, I could not do it. He grimaced in acknowledgement.
“So you say Wendy is part of your circle now. Another wife for you Robert?”
“We danced with her. She was able to see the babies in both girls. She showed them to us and it was a moment of great joy for us. I would like to take you and Marian, for you to also see your baby. She knew they were both mine and about them being my wives. She has already asked me to make her bigger so that she can also marry me. I don’t know what I am going to do.”
Without smiling, he replied, “You will end up doing whatever they want, so why worry about it?”
“Have all generations of men been so subservient to their women?”
“Yes, it is just rare for them to be so aware of it. Maybe the new man is more honest or else it is the new woman who is.”
I considered it for a moment and told him what I thought, without first considering how it would make me sound. “No. I think it is the strength of love. It makes mush (χυλός) of me, but does not seem to affect them in the same way, it actually seems to make them stronger.” He must have spent the whole trip to his office laughing, but I bet it also puzzled him.
My experiences with Cherine had ‘spoilt’ me. Cherine was not a typical child of eight when I met her. Conversely (αντίστροφως), Wendy is not a child less mature, knowledgeable, by one year. She is a child far less intelligent. I thought of the little I have read on the subject. It seems, from what I understand, the brain is stimulated into creating connections by stimuli; the less interactions there are, the less variety the child sees, hears and feels, the narrower her world, the less connections. With her living her life closed within an apartment, with no companions to interact with and no other stimuli, apart from those her father provided, it is not surprising that the connections in her brain are far less than normal. I recall reading that if Tarzan had really been brought up by apes, he never would have been able to learn human speech, as the connections in the brain stop being created or formed by the age of eight. If it is so, with Wendy being about seven years old, she is fairly close to having the maximum connections she will ever have.
Her intelligence, or lack of it, would never influence the love we feel for her. However, that same love we feel for her, demands she achieve and become the best she can be. I wondered whether we can assist her brain to create a multitude of connections with the help of our healers. I discussed it with the girls and with Themi. We all decided it would be worth trying. Having made the decision I shelved it, waiting for the appropriate moment and for inspiration on how to achieve the effects we want.
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I sent the healer to her on a continuous basis, trying to regenerate her, make her body younger. It had the effect of keeping her at peak health and she filled out nicely, but I was not able to change her apparent age - I’m not certain the healer cannot, it could be it failed because I did not believe it can, or perhaps because a tiny part of myself still has doubts about it being the right way to help Wendy. What we were not able to achieve, her mind, her heart and our love did. As she grew to accept love, as her fears receded and she blossomed, her face lost the gaunt haunted look and she began to look like a fresh-faced happy child of six, due to her small size. The difference made her unrecognisable to anyone who has seen her before.
As the weeks went by, Cherine completely stopped teasing me; she was no longer cheeky. I vaguely felt the difference, but attributed the changes in our relationship to my need to block off the girls from the dark seed of hate and guilt that is putrefying my soul. I could hardly sense the changes within myself. At a certain level I was aware I have become extremely mild mannered, withdrawn and meek. I could not even argue with any of the girls. If this were all, I do not think either of us would have reacted to these changes for a good while longer.
What focussed our attention, actually the attention of the two girls, to my altered personality was the fact that since the night I had killed Richard, I had not been able or interested in achieving a climax of my own. The passion was still there, the girls, all three, were able to achieve their orgasms, though greatly reduced in intensity, then I would relax and go to sleep. The feelings I was able to stir in Wendy were mild, slightly erotic emotions of love, more of a demand for warmth and being cared for, rarely strong enough for her to have even a mild orgasm. It was too obviously not natural - if my libido was low, then I should not have wanted to have sex; having sex and then losing interest in releasing my own needs by coming was unnatural. We did nothing about it, for we did not feel strongly about the lack in me.
I had long since stopped taking the girls with me to the clinic. I went alone and spent hours trying to unravel the minds I had condemned to their personal hells. After Wendy, I had hoped I would be more capable of finding the way to draw them out. It worked out to be the opposite. Whatever was eating away at me, eroding me of all aggression, was stealing my willpower and determination. There were times I only sat with them while tears of despair and self-loathing ran down my cheeks, unable to gather myself to even make an effort to contact them. It was very tempting to give up, stop trying, stop visiting them, but I had imposed/accepted this now as a penance, not only for what I had done to them, but to Richard also.
The three girls seemed to often be voices drifting out of a fog, I could hear them if I tried, but mostly I was too deeply immersed in a world of white emptiness. Wendy insisted on being physically in touch with me, day and night and was my one small comfort of warmth.
I had lost the flow of creativity, the unique way of looking at things that turned my graphics from technically correct achievements to works of art, from dabs of colour to dances of emotion that could touch and brighten hearts. If I could have sketched my nightmares they would have drawn their own supporters, for there are a countless number of people who are attracted to portrayals of the darkness within themselves. I could not do this, for it does not call to me and, in addition, I did not want the girls to see that side of me.
I had stopped visiting Wendy, playing within her mind. She never complained or asked for anything as she never expected anything, was just grateful for whatever she received. I heard the girls wondering at my lack of interest, as this was having a negative effect on the growth of her mind. This worry sparked an interest in the healer/protector, but not to any serious level.
Although it was wet and cold outside, Wendy had walked out to the garden, walking around aimlessly, examining details, a leaf, a drop of rain on a petal, all she never saw while with her father. Cherine came and sat on my lap. As she hugged me she sent me her love, ready to take it back and return it augmented. Without thinking I kept what she sent and returned only a lukewarm emotion of love. She stopped trying and laying her face against my neck she silently wept. Dommi held us both in her arms.
“Roberto my love. Why have you left us?”
“I’m here Dommi.”
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“No you’re not my love. It used to be that the tears of Cherine were like acid on your heart. Now you hardly feel her pain, or mine.”
The protector shot up at the words of pain. Violently I slammed it back. I screamed at it and my power was a destruction, a cancellation of its power. It would never, I vowed, be allowed to take over in it’s mindless cruelty again. As if in answer to a summons, Wendy came running in. She stood, big-eyed, staring in fear at all of us and I calmed myself to soothe her. I felt both girls follow me, trying to protect our baby from our own emotions.
Whatever had brought her running in had also awoken her from the lethargy (λήθαργος) which had governed her for weeks now. She came to us and put her fingers to Cherine’s face, feeling the wetness. She looked at Dommi and me, her face pale and withdrawn, her eyes suddenly dulled by despair and grief. She moved to a seat and curled herself into a ball. I felt her leave my mind and I/we had a dark emptiness in our Wendy space.
The girls gently pulled me to them and then we were in her world, her faded mind, smaller and darker, cringing in the distance. I called the healer. I myself was too confused, I did not know how to handle this, too afraid I would harm instead of healing. The healer returned and swayed in a breeze of it’s own between us. It had not done anything. I looked to the girls and saw their glowing forms trembling to a breeze, a cold emptiness sapping them of their powers.
Intuition warned me the girls should leave. I told them to withdraw, wait for us in the void. I asked them to dance there for us. I had become so accustomed to the change in personality that I was not struck by any ominous premonitions at their ready compliance.
Wendy assumed my role, playing the game of puppy. Vague suspicions formed in my mind. I asked of the healer whether there was any transfer of energies between Wendy and I. It flowed to me and signified its assent. Seeing her so drained I asked how I had been stealing her energy without being aware of it. It took a number of questions on my part before I was able to clarify the situation.
I was shown that Wendy has been draining the three of us, the energy of our very souls, but she is not keeping the power she draws for herself. I could not work out how she is doing it, nor how she has learnt how to do it. I told myself it is likely souls know more than we do, but what I said did not mean anything to me and, anyway, I did not believe it.
Her own condition was so pathetic that it did not cross my mind to be angered. I was willing to be sacrificed if it helped her, but I was not as willing to allow her to destroy my loves. Luckily I did not perceive her to be a threat to them, more of a case of re-directing her so that she takes what she needs from me, not from the others. I called the protector and ordered it to protect the two girls from being drained any further and to assist them in generating new powers from the dancing so that they can protect themselves.
I glided in towards Wendy, softly as a feather floating on a gentle breeze. I called to her to join me and to take my love. I warned the healer and as she approached I thrust myself, merging us as the healer enveloped us, keeping my dark seed locked out from our union. I felt her dispersed and weak self flickering at the edge of non-existence. I fed her, giving to her of my own essence so that it was myself that flickered at the dark edge. She took the heart of me and tried to send it into the void. The healer held it within us, sending to me what she rid herself of and the energy was taken again from me to force her survival. We both flickered for a short while until a balance was struck.
*Robbie? Cross?* *Never. Only love for my Wendy.* *Not cross!?* *Worried. Why is my baby sick?* *Afraid.* *I have come to give my baby all my love, all my strength. Make my Wendy strong, then Wendy never afraid again.* There was silence for a while. I was too busy exchanging her darkness for my light and was reeling from weakness, dizzy from my need to feed and save my love. I felt her begin to fight to escape. The healer held her. She faced my light with my light, withdrawing her darkness so that it lay within my own fading consciousness.
*Robbie die. Robbie love you, please. No die.* I was too far gone to understand her fear, only obsessed with my need to save her. *My baby strong. Save my Wendy.*
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As I felt myself fade away I heard her distant scream for Dommi and Cherine. For the first time ever I felt death not as cold teeth eating at me, but as a warm release. I was an instrument of life, saving my girls and I was happy. Until there was no more happiness, no more sorrows, no light or darkness. Nothing of any awareness, just a rapidly evaporating link to Cherine. My last vestige of beauty and love to carry me into the void.
No, it was not carrying me into the void. I was of the void.
A sun exploded, burning me. Instantly aware I felt the healer blown away from me. I felt the tiny flame dying as it gave the last of its fuel to me. Desperately I tried to keep it alive. If I fed it too fast it threatened to go out, smothered. My cry went out to the healer, to the girls. I was losing my darling baby and she would not take of my force, my love and energy.
The healer came with the protector and with them came two brilliant suns. The dancing veils parted me from my baby flame and crooned of life and love. Cherine was a fountain of light that spewed without diminishing her, feeding our wasted nebulous forms.
The protector sped away into the darkness of the void. The protector soon returned and sent silvery tendrils of light through Wendy, knitting and creating a web-force to hold and repair so that her light and patches of darkness would become a healthy soul. Her worm-holes of darkness, those that were a threat to her, were bathed by light and knit into sheets of love. It then withdrew, carrying me with it. It gave me understanding and returned me to my body.
As I opened my eyes, Wendy was staring at me, anxiety and love in her pale blue eyes. As she saw my recognition, her eyes seemed to sparkle and take on the glow of a brilliant blue, dark as waves of love dancing under the Mediterranean sky. The girls stirred and their arms tightened around me.
“Wendy, you must try to follow me, to understand. We all need to know what and why this happened. Tell me if you do not understand what I say. Remember one thing, above all else. Nothing is said about you or anyone else here, without a heart full of love.”
I kissed her eyes and lips and hugged her to me. I opened my shirt and put her ear to my chest. “You hear my heart?” She nodded. “That sound you hear is the sound of my love for you and Cherine and Dommi. That is it’s only reason for beating. So please, do not be afraid of anything I say or do.”
Cherine brought her face close and whispering, “I love you” kissed her. Dommi rested her cheek on Wendy’s cheek and kissed her head. We tried to envelope her in our love, for we knew I was about to tell her terrible things.
“After I killed Richard we lay together and I gave my loving to Wendy. She went to sleep in the arms of Dommi. Cherine and I went to the lounge and her hunger was turned into a creature of beauty and love. For the first time ever I gave joy and was not able to receive it. Soon as her spasms ended, I lost my needs and drifted off into a deep sleep.
That is how it has been every time since then. Even you two, your passions faded. We were no longer even memories of what we had been. This change did not only happen to our sex life, we changed in other ways, losing the spirit I adore in my Cherine, the protective fierceness of Dommi’s mother love. I lost my ability to see and create paintings that are art. I even failed all of you as the protector of my family.
We could not see that we were being attacked. The process was too insidious, too gentle for even the protector. Not that it could have done anything, for it cannot attack any one of you so as to help the others. Wendy baby, you were the attacker. You did not know it was you, but it was you.
Dommi, we have all seen those dark patches in her soul. I saw them as an essential part of her being, that needed to be gradually brought to light and joy. Cherine, I instructed you not to remove them from her. Please, all three of you must stop blaming yourselves, this time I was the one who was wrong, who did not understand and made the worst possible decisions.
They were what attacked us. They were made up of the sum of fear and pain Wendy has experienced. We all know how terrible a load it has been for a child of her years. Wendy saw in us the love she wanted. She was even willing to taste of our passion through me. But the fear in her, you could say, had a mind of its own. It saw a need to protect her and found the way. It drained me, then later, all of us, of our passions. Then it saw our weakening as the protection it needed from us.
290
What a terrible waste my love. You took our love, our life and did not use it to enrichen yourself. You flung it away into the void, like gold dust sprinkled into darkness. Lost forever.
Wendy darling, all this was my fault, not yours. We all saw the sickness of fear in you and I did not heal it when I should have. I have caused you to bear a guilt that should never have been yours. Cherine, Dommi, my stupidity and inability to think things through nearly cost you your lives. I ask you all to forgive me. Unfortunately my head is not as strong as my heart is.”
I sent her my love for Cherine to pass on with theirs. Cherine refused, letting it dissipate, wasted. “No Robert! We are not finished.”
She and Dommi then went on to explain to Wendy the roles of each of us and went into a detailed explanation with regard to my strengths, how they can always depend on me, and then about my terrible weakness; how the slightest unthinking word or gesture, any act of selfishness from either of them can reduce me to nothing so that I could even die. When she explained how helpless I am at protecting myself from them, of how she fears they might kill me out of a small selfishness, I felt she was going too far - she was laying too heavy a burden on a small child. I told her so.
“Wendy,” Cherine began to cry, “please do not listen to him. I have already made him die a few times. Today he died again. He was gone, but then you brought him back. He was so stupid. He only cared about you and used the healer to trap you. You tried to stop him when you got afraid that he was killing himself and it would not let you out, forcing you to take his life. You must love him very much to have been able to fight him and bring him back.”
“Wendy love,” Dommi continued, “you now know what we feel and how strong our feelings are. It is as if we are his mothers, for we have all had to fight to bring him back to life. He has also saved us a number of times. He is not just a man we love, and I am including you, he is our man, our lover, husband, brother, son and father. He is too special for us to risk losing him. You have to be a big girl and help us look after him.”
I was terrified of the responsibility they were laying on her, I did not want her to bear the burden. They sensed this and Cherine transferred from Wendy to me the death of her fear, the joy of knowing she had to care for me. I remembered myself as the puppy and smiled. They had provided her with the most effective therapy.
It was as if a fire had suddenly burst forth in a tank of petrol. I felt the ache in their bodies at the same moment my body became inflamed with the passions I had stored for so long. I looked at my little Wendy baby and hoped she would soon be part of the sharing. To feel all four bodies at the same time, that would be truly an extraordinary gift. I know, it makes me sound selfish, never satisfied with what I have. How can I not be?
Though I could only taste the signature of her burning need through Cherine, it was not necessary. With her simple straightforwardness and new trust in me, she flung her clothes off her and glued herself to me in a fever. The two girls took her from me and taking my hand, led me to our bed. They gently placed my naked little bundle of lust on the sheet and helped undress me. As I stood there being stripped, Wendy came back to me and touched me with hands that were trembling violently in her need for the warmth of my flesh. She was digging her nails into me and somehow I had the feeling it was right this time to bring Cherine and Dommi into this moment of passion so that we can all share as one. Quickly I helped them undress and we all fell onto the bed, a tangle of pulsating bodies.
My lips, my hands, my tongue, gave of my loving to all three and though I hardly knew at times which fire-flower I was loving I loved them all and if I did not always know by whom I was being loved, it did not matter. They all flooded me to the deepest corner of my heart with their thanksgiving, for as we came and desire speared us in agonies of pure lust, we did not falter or find our need diminishing for what seemed to be hours.
By the time our passions had reduced us to quivering flesh, still echoing our last orgasms, the sheets were soaking and our bodies were drenched by the sweat of our frenzy. My male body is not created to remain at the peak of passion for so many times and my healer warned me I need to re-supply the various physical needs of my body. I was not ready to step away from my loves and ignored its messages, so my loves made the decision on my behalf.
Αλέξανδρος Ζήνον Ευσταθίου
(Alexander Zenon Eustace)24th March, 2019
- posted on Steemit: 24th March, 2019
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