VULNERABILITY - DIGGING UP OLD SHIT!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Birthday Intermission
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
Part 17
Part 18
Quinn told me that at the onset of our attraction at the conference, he had pretty much decided that he wasn’t going to have sex with me. He said it could be too complicated considering our situation. I didn’t decide any such thing, nor had I decided that I would. Sex was something that I held very sacred, and was in no way going to take it lightly. That just wasn’t my style.
I had a devastating experience when I was 17. This is something not even my siblings likely know about to this day (until now if they’re reading this anyway). I made my parents swear that they would never tell, and I swore myself to secrecy as well. This was a secret I planned to take with me to my grave!
I was so ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed and extremely sad. I cried for months just praying time would go fast so I could blame my irresponsibility on just being a stupid kid. I stayed in my room alone with my thoughts doing picture puzzles, remembering how difficult it was to see the pieces through my tears. I wondered how I was going to manage this situation. Maybe I could punch myself in the stomach hard enough to dislodge this tiny thing growing in my belly, or step in front of a car. I didn’t want to think of it as a baby because I just couldn’t bear any more pain.
Abortion was NOT ACCEPTABLE back in those days, though I was relieved to find out it was legal. I was desperate to undo what I had done. At least if I had an abortion it would be over (or would it?). Having the baby would be even more embarrassing as the child would be an everyday reminder of my irresponsible, ignorant negligence. Neither abortion, nor having a baby out of wedlock was something any responsible person would do--and even if it did happen was certainly not something to be talked about, but only served as the perfect fuel for gossip through the generations. I felt so desperate--felt I only had 3 options: to have an abortion, to have the baby, or to die. I was totally not ready to be a mother--that was as far from my present reality as I could imagine. Having a child would have meant adding another huge layer of irresponsibility to the one I had already made. Having a baby was just not going to happen.
This pregnancy resulted from the very first time I had sex. My entire life changed in that moment and I grew up! People would ask me how I got so wise at such a young age. I couldn’t tell them what I’d done that tore my heart out and made me wise up and wake up, because I was still so very full of fear and shame.
I decided that sex was not something to take lightly. There is always the possibility that sex could have lifetime implications for more than the two people having sex, and there was no doubt it was an enormous responsibility, regardless if a child was the outcome or not. Mixing energy with another person was serious business and I would be more aware of what I did with my energy, and what energy I took within. I was never the same again!
Having an abortion totally tore me down to nothing. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t look at myself at all. I was so disappointed that I went numb and tried to pretend that it didn’t happen. Not only had I let myself down, but I'd let this baby down, I let my parents down, and I potentially tarnished the good name of our family. I deeply felt that what other people thought of me really did matter--overwhelming in and of itself beyond what I thought of myself. There was so much trauma that it took me years to look at it again.
By my early twenties I had worked through my feelings enough to be able to share the experience with my significant others, and a few of my intimate friends. Though years ago I especially didn’t want my children to know, I told them anyway when they became teenagers. I felt that since I endured the trauma, at least someone could benefit from my experience.
Many years later, a woman I knew was running out the door to her abortion appointment. She wasn’t afraid as it was already her 3rd, and she acted like it was similar to going to get her nails done! It was crazy to me that she almost likened abortion to birth control!!!
Though it was hard to digest her attitude, I looked deeper and began to consider that being traumatized could actually be a choice--a matter of perspective. After all, she handled abortion way differently than I did though we both underwent the same procedure--she was off to her 2:00 and I was still dealing with it nearly 3 decades later! Aha!! A light bulb went off. Regardless of the intensity of the subject, I was actually responsible for how I perceived every situation and how I wanted to respond (as opposed to react). I removed several more layers of guilt and shame. Ahhh... I’m okay--I think!! At least way better than before!
Over time I found out some other family secrets that this day and age don't socially matter at all--but are actually totally common for a large portion of society (like divorce, adopting children, etc). Though I feel abortion is still a very controversial issue, having a child out of wedlock is quite the norm. By talking about abortion with others throughout the years, I found my experience was actually shared surprisingly by many others in my circle, who also hid the shame deep inside. If I had known how perspectives would change, at least I could have been dealing only with my own disgust about it, being less caught up in and giving less credence to the judgment of others. I was realizing how I let others dictate my experience, and how much I was giving my energy and power away!
Go with me on the journey toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 20
