“So, you do know when to hold your tongue master Samuel?”I quickly looked around for Melios, did not see him anywhere and as I stood up, her smile broadened.
“When faced with such beauty it has nothing to say - much to my regret my Lady.”
She laughed, a nice throaty sound. “I have arrived late, am I still welcome?”
She allowed me to lead her to a bench and gestured for me to sit next to her. She also gestured for Captain Erin to join her. Puzzled he sat down.
“Your desert adventure ends here.”
“No more tests my Lady?” I asked.
“Tests? Sam, for as long as you live there are tests. The nature of life demands that we treat each day as a test. Tell me, is there one of you that would claim to not have learnt anything about themselves or of a companion that they did not know before?”
“I doubt it.”
Nicko brought her a glass of wine and she sipped it. “Most people, even among the young, get into a rut and try to hide behind little routines and rules they create so that they no longer have to exert themselves in meeting new challenges. Some, elderly and close to their final years still are vibrant with life because they look for knowledge and new challenges.”
There are moments when the child Erin must have been, breaks free of the man he has become. He leant forward so that he can see my face, his eyes dancing with lights, a cheeky look in them. “It would seem Samuel my friend, all we endured was for the purpose of preserving vibrancy in our elderly years. Our Lady was not punishing us as I’d thought.”
She seemed to be fascinated by the way he looked. “Erin, the way you look now, is it the way you look when you are attracted to a woman?”
“It is the way I look when I am amused by something not as real as it appears to be, so I suppose you could be right.” He grinned as if the sting in his words was meant to hook his heart, not hers. She laughed.
“I have shown you my desert continent. You may consider this time kinder to you once my beloved Gillians have shown you their world.”
I agreed. “The Lady is correct Erin. This world demanded physically of us, their world makes demands of the heart.”
“Right now I would be willing to face a troop of Perts on my own if it means I do not have to see more sand, if I do not have to chew it in my food or drink it in my water.”
She did not seem to hear him, her eyes distant, lost in thoughts I was convinced I would not understand. “Samuel, they shall all grow and find my world a place of beauty. It is you that troubles me. You took a wrong turn in your travels here and will become bitter. I am considering cancelling this trip because of you.”
I felt a sick dread grow within me. “In a land that knows no hate, filled with love, all having empathy for all, you foresee me turning inwards, bitter?”
She looked me in the eyes and then gave a sharp nod. My heart sank.
“My Lady, how will it affect our princess?”
“Her understanding and acceptance of love will make her grow in the ways you hoped for, though…” She stopped herself from whatever it was she was about to say. “No. I am no prophet, I see possibilities growing from what I’ve already seen of you, no more. You know what I know, though it is more difficult for you to see clearly. Sam, you must make your own choices.”
“Will the way I become affect Princess Thina? Will it make her despise me?”
Erin spoke too loudly, trying to stop her words. “There is no time for such travel. We have to return home.”
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“I can return you to where you belong within seconds, no need to fret about that. Samuel, despite the good intentions of your friend, the choice is still yours.”
The fact that she did not answer me was an answer in itself. My heart felt as if it no longer wished to beat life through me as I looked into her dark eyes and replied, “I choose to go to your land.”
She cupped my face in her hands. “I love you very much Sam.” And softly her lips touched mine. She stood up. “I have to go. I will return in three days.”
I stood up quickly and drew her aside before she could disappear. “Melios will stay?” She nodded. “Tell me this at least. Are my memories of him as childhood friend false, did you place them in my mind or was he truly my friend? Did he die at sea, I am confused and do not know how to react to the love I still have in my heart for him.”
“No death Sam. Friend from first breath to last. All is not as you think, do not deny him because you imagine you understand something.”
“Thank you.”
Soon as she was gone Erin tackled me. “Do not be foolish, naysay her. Let us stay here or return home.”
“You heard her my friend. It will help all of you and our princess will grow there, so that she becomes the queen we dream for her to be. We must go.”
Princess Thina came to me at that moment. “Sam, my tummy is too full, it hurts.” I gave Erin a smile and turned to her.
“I’ll tell you what. Lie down on the bench and I’ll sit on your tummy. That will squash up all the sweets you ate and you’ll have space for more.”
Not amused she moaned again, “It hurts!”
“Erin, call Rose please. Her tummy should be massaged softly and it would not be seemly for me to do so.” What I was really asking for, was for Rose to use her healing gift.
As he rushed off she asked, “Why can’t you massage me?”
“I was lying to him. Rose has hands that heal, but she doesn’t want everybody to know. Thina, it is not right for a man to massage your body.”
“But you are not a man, you are Sam.”
Rose appeared, saving me from having to answer (not that I had one). She told Thina to lie on the bench. Thina looked at her with huge eyes. “Are you going to sit on my tummy?” I hid my grin as I turned away.
This oasis has insects and probably other life. We woke up to find our food covered in ants. Mindful of the Lady, we were careful to wipe them off gently and they repaid us by stinging us. A few of us may have added some protein to our meal that day. Even though we moved the food, the ants found it again. The only way to save some for ourselves was to put the food in clay containers and then place the containers in the spring.
“Erin, I wish to be alone. I want to go to that dune and sit on the other side. Should I not return by sundown you know where to find me.”
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“Where do you come from my beauty?” He tossed his head and took a step towards me, turning so that I was at his side. “You want me to ride you?” I put a hand on his shoulder and his skin flickered. Since he did not move away, I grabbed his mane and with a leap sat astride him. He turned and walked a few paces then broke into a gallop. There was no way I could direct him and for a moment I thought I was dizzy, seeing things or else dreaming. The ground seemed to be getting further away. I realised we were flying. I looked down and then leant forward so that I could cling to his neck.
We flew over the windblown oasis and continued past the steep slope. I was not happy now, afraid I was being abducted, taken to be thrown down into the desert to die. I fleetingly wondered, does the Lady have an enemy and her brief kiss had given the enemy reason to believe I am especially favoured by her?
The land rose and when the hooves touched the sand he broke his gallop and trotted a few steps before coming to a stop. We were next to a palm tree. The stallion gave me a moment and then turning his head made as if to nip me. This was an obvious demand that I get off him. I considered staying where I was, to be left here was certain death. His second nip was painful and I realised I did not have a choice. I slid off him and he galloped away.
I walked around cursing myself for riding a horse I had no control over. The oasis was empty, only the water in the spring a small mercy. I took a drink and walked around trying to work out why this had happened. Nothing made sense so I returned to the spot where I had been forcibly dismounted. I sat under a palm tree and waited.
As the sun set I saw movement. A man was approaching me. I stood up, hoping it is one of the three or a Gillian. As he came closer I knew it was not. He towered over me, a creature out of a nightmare. Rough skin that sprouted thick ugly hair, eyes that glowed red and large crooked teeth. With a shock I realised he resembled me, like an ill designed caricature of myself.
“You had your last chance, now we join!”
“No! What chance!”
He did not speak and too fast for me to evade, his hand touched me and my world turned black.
I woke up with my mind crying out, what chance, what chance. I looked around and saw I was at the spot I’d sat at in the morning. The sun was burying itself in a dune and it would be dark soon. I decided I’d had a nightmare, stood up, felt a shock course through me and walked back to the oasis in despair.
I did not tell anyone of my nightmare ordeal and, to tell the truth, I was not in a mood to talk at all. I felt frightened, as if I’d condemned myself to turning into that creature. I felt unclean and avoided touching the princess. When I finally slept I had nightmares, demons chasing me while my feet seemed sluggish and as they would reach me I would wake, only to have similar dreams soon as I slept again. After the third nightmare I sat up, shivering with fear now.
The men woke up just before dawn, as is their habit. They looked at me, but left me alone. When they returned with plates of food, Golden brought me mine but, taking a look at my face, he set the plate by me and walked away without speaking. A couple of hours passed and the seven joined us with our princess.
Something told me the seven knew what was wrong with me, but the princess does not. She ran to me, but stopped out of my reach. Her eyes filled.
“What did I do Sam, why don’t you like me?”
“You have not done anything my dearest princess, it is I. You must not come near me.” The others had approached, not hiding that they were listening. I then told them of my ride on the stallion, the coming of the demon and what it said. “It is now within me and tortures my soul. I am cursed and you must stay away from me.”
Princess Thina cried out in protest, but obeyed me, keeping her distance. Alki came to me and sat before me. “Give me your hand.” Trusting he knew what he was doing I put my hand in his.
“Sam, that was no demon….”
“I thought so too, I thought it was a vision from the sun, but when I stood up to return here I saw the prints in the sand. The stallion had been to me. It all was true.”
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“I do not dispute that. You were returned to the oasis you saw, but the demon, he does not exist. He was a vision sent to you as a warning. The Lady wanted you to see what your soul will be like if you allow yourself to turn to evil thoughts.”
“He said it was too late, I’d missed my chance.”
“Words your own mind gave him. You knew you had been returned to that oasis for a reason, but had not solved the riddle, so your mind thought it was too late when you saw the vision. I fear Melina misjudged, she forgot the culture you come from. She never intended making you believe you had the demon inside you. I’m sorry.”
Before I had a chance to think on his words and decide, Princess Thina threw herself at me and with her arms around my neck she wept. I folded my arms about her and stroked her back, whispering tender words to calm her. Alki stood up and smiling down at us said to me, “You are not cursed Sam, you are blessed with the love of a pure heart.”
The men, my friends, sat around me, none showing they disapproved of the princess sitting on my lap and tried to find the answer to the riddle. Erin thought it had something to do with his arresting me, my thinking of myself as a traitor. I knew it was not that and helped his heart find peace. Golden wondered if it was the oasis at which I had grown to love our princess, and though I could not fault his reasoning, I could not see how that would become a curse. I told him that surely the Lady would rejoice at anyone loving a child. There did not seem to be an answer and the only help to me was from Domarque.
He said, “Sam, perhaps the evil is not in you yet. Be wary, when thoughts that are not kind or from love begin to torment you, examine them, for they will be what the Lady spoke of.”
If the princess had been old enough to understand, she would have been frightened that day and evening, for I lavished her with love that came from desperation. We were leaving the oasis the next day and I feared my time of knowing love from her was running short.
“My Lady, what of all this, you will return for it?”
“No. They will remain here. Of all the oasis in this desert, this is the sweetest of them all. The Gillians have asked to be allowed to visit here. It is a contrast to their gentle world and they need to visit at intervals.”
“But… if they need to taste of evil, you should send them to our city.”
She shook her head vehemently. “There is a difference between harsh reality and evil. Carelessness can cause death and even survival here demands strength, but experiencing this can help purge the soul of the softness that comes from living in their forest. They will return there whole again and able to appreciate what they have. Your city would corrupt.”
“Can there be good if it is not tested by evil?”
“Yes. There can be love where there is no hate and in the same manner there can be good without evil. I think you mistake my lovely Gillians. They have their temptations and impulses, but they have chosen the path that fulfils them, what profit in thrusting them into a cesspool of evil?”
“Cesspool! I suppose that is a fair description of most cities. My Lady, why did you allow cities on your world?”
“You will know the answer to that soon. It is time to leave.”
“One moment please.” I knelt and scooping up desert sand I filled a pocket. “This shall fill a jar and be given a place for the sacred 42 to be reminded of how they were joined as one.”
She gave me what I can only call a cheeky grin. “I thought it was love of your little princess that did that?”
“She was the catalyst, but we would not have seen her in a kinder world. Not as she truly is.”
A glow surrounded us and we landed in the forest clearing.
We looked around at all the happy welcoming faces and Erin laughed. “Now we are to be tested by love.”
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Tables were filled with food and drink and we were not allowed to sit as a group, each of us shared out by the Gillians, giving all of us an opportunity to make new friends. Shyly I saw the children and our princess getting to know each other and when I saw her laugh and play with them it felt as if real magic has entered our lives. She did not know how to play with children, but she is observant and wise for her years; I knew she would learn and that it would open her heart, make her a child again.
I had Daniel to one side and one of the two wives of Nicko on the other. I leant back, contented, my belly full and my blood singing happily from the ale. I saw Melios enjoying himself and then my eye rested on Gill and that started a chain process in my mind. I grinned at Daniel.
“You people are not very subtle. Meli-os and Lady Meli; Gill and Gill-ians. Who else I wonder?”
He was not discomfited, to my disappointment, and grinned back. “On the world Alki comes from they have a missile, something like an arrow, only it can travel much further and it explodes when it hits the target, which is called SAM. Maybe you are the third?”
“An arrow that explodes on impact eh? That sounds more like Erin. If you are called Gillians, what are they called?” The woman next to me leant forward to hear what Daniel would reply, so I knew I was on to something. He hesitated and then smiled.
“Cherinians.”
“Ah, Cherinians, hmm, Cherinians, Cheri-, no Rinian, no.” I thought a moment, playing with the letters. “Ahh! Ch-Erin-ians. Erin!”
“The Cherinians are named after a girl Sam.”
“That ties in beautifully with Meli-os but what about Gill? You are not females. Hold it! Are you also named after a female?”
He laughed. “Yes.”
“So! Three females with three males of my party sort of named after them. Too much of a coincidence surely?” While they watched me in amusement I recalled the other name. “What about Robert?”
“Robert? What about him?”
“You’ve got me there. I don’t know!” It was my turn to laugh with them. “Not yet, anyway. Hey, Ro-bert! Bert! I’ve got him! Is Robert also a female name?”
“Oh Sam, I’m getting a stitch in my side. Robert is a man’s name.”
The girl next to me put her hand on mine. I looked at it, saw how perfect it was, gazed at her face and thought, this face would melt a heart of ice, especially when she is smiling like that. I liked the way the girl of Nicko also smiles with her eyes.
“Sam, think of it as a game or riddle. The closer you get to an answer, the further away you are.”
“Thank you. Another fact to add. This is a game to your people.”
Someone said something further along the table and they all laughed. One of them repeated what was said to our group and with the laughter, the subject was changed. I had a bit more ale and feeling woozy I asked where we are to sleep. I must have fallen asleep before the children!
Our princess told us, her face very solemn, that she does not want to be called princess while here. She must be Thina only. Understandable, it would not make for good playfellows if the kids have to call her princess. She cannot be faulted for her memory though. She took me aside and demanded to know which of the boys is the prince she will marry. I’d not foreseen this situation arising and did not know what to answer. I called out to Daniel, “I see someone is missing. Are they on a long trip? Will they get back before we leave?”
“You expected to see someone that is not here?”
“Yes. A young lad.”
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“He will not be here before you leave.” He saw Thina was disappointed. “I’m sorry.”
Soon as he could he took me aside and asked what that had been about. Shamefaced I explained.
“It was a nice story, I wish it could have been true. The children, if she mentions it to them, they will tell her we do not have a prince. You better deal with it now.”
Thina was about to ask me to wait while she finished playing, but then she looked at me and waved cheerfully to the kids as she came with me. We went to a local favourite, a pool with a small waterfall. She wanted to sit on my lap, but I told her she may wish she was not being touched by me once I tell her what I have to say.
Her face paled and her eyes filled as she understood what I was saying. “You lied to me?”
“Yes and no. What I was trying to do was give you an idea, although the prince I talked of does not exist as an actual person here, the idea of him, of a person like him, was what I wanted you to look for. Thina, the idea of you marrying one of those in your court horrified me, so I made up the story. I’m sorry.”
“You lied to me and I am your princess.”
What could I answer? It would not have been right of me to make excuses, try to bamboozle her because she has the mind of a child and can be fooled by me. Not again.
“You cannot be one of my sacred 42, not if you lied to me.”
“I…if you say so.” I wondered how it is that a child can crush me so easily.
She stood up. “Well, if you can’t be one of my sacred 42, then I guess you will have to marry me.”
“Thina…”
She stomped her foot. “You have to!”
I got off my butt and knelt before her. “Ask me when you are of age and queen. As princess they will not allow you the choice.”
“Then I must be queen.”
I paled, terrified. “Do not even think of that! Do not say so to the others, it will turn them against you.”
“Why, I only have to wait, it’s not as if I will do anything bad.”
“You nearly gave me a heart attack!”
She came into my arms. “You are not allowed to Sam.” Without me expecting it I felt her lips on mine. She drew her face back. “There, now I’ve kissed you and you have to marry me when I’m grown up.”
“Only if you promise to always kiss me like that after we are married.”
She jumped, glee written all over her. “You said you will marry me! I’ll always kiss you Sam. Forever.”
I laughed. “By the time you grow up I will be old and ugly, you may change your mind.”
“I’ll ask Lady Melina to keep you young for me.” From her look I knew she would. I wondered how the Lady will handle such a request.
In this land I knew we do not have to worry about privacy, none would come here for as long as we need to be alone. She sat on my lap, wrapping her tiny legs around my waist and I gently massaged her back and head for her. When she wanted me to massage her front and she raised herself to turn around, her skirt hem caught on my belt and I saw her undergarment. With a thrilling shock I saw it was damp between her legs! She casually flipped her hand at her skirt and turned around, sitting with her back to me. She must have felt my erection for she looked up at my face, her eyes huge. When she looked away again she wiggled her bum as if to make it clear to me she had felt me underneath her. Surely she cannot know what it means, I thought.
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As carefully and as innocently as I could I massaged her, avoiding any areas I knew in a woman would cause arousal. I no longer could bank on it not affecting her the same way. She did not show disappointment, not even grabbing at my hand as she’d done before. When I was done, she lazily lay back against me so I let my fingers play up and down her arm.
She got up and turning pushed at me. “I’ve never touched anyone before. I want to touch you, like you did for me.” I lay down on the grass, not really relaxed about it.
She sat on my chest and massaged my face, shoulders and upper chest, sliding her soft warm hands into my shirt. She felt my nipples and her fingers seemed to be fascinated by them for a long while. She got off me and I worried about her sitting lower down as my state was definitely more obvious now. She surprised me by turning around. Before I knew what to expect she lowered herself so that she crouched over me, her legs to either side of my face and leaning forward she massaged my chest.
Her damp undergarment was just above my nose and I could smell the girlish scent of her. I kept my hands at my side and tried to force my body from reacting to her. I felt guilty enough at breathing in her heavenly aroma. I heard a distant sigh and then she lifted a knee and then the other and my face was staring up at the canopy as she moved further down. Her hands searched my belly, lower belly and then moving apart down my thighs. The fact that she was avoiding my crotch helped me relax, making me realise I had been ascribing to her motives that only a mature female would have. She was just a child massaging her friend I told myself.
To massage my lower thighs and legs she moved again. Her movements speeded up and she flung her body up as she pressed herself against me, a long wailing moan escaping her lips. I was in agony by now, ready to explode and bit on my lip as I forced control. She subsided, turned around and lay down with her head on my chest. She raised her face and kissed me. I drew in the scent of her breath and the milky sweetness of it was an ecstasy. She did not continue kissing me, seeming to need to relax on my chest. I held her, grateful I’d avoided spoiling this moment by yielding to my abnormal desires.
“Was it nice for you?”
“Too nice my love.”
“Am I really your love?”
“Yes. My seven year old love.”
“How old are you?”
“More than three times as old.”
“That is old!”
“Yes, ancient.”
I wanted to talk to her about what she’d felt, but it was easier to pretend nothing had happened. She was loving, almost adoring of me, how could I spoil it for her by being all grown up(?), I reasoned, as a coward does.
From that day on she was more relaxed in her ways with me in front of others. Finally Erin made a comment and I saw I would have to say something.
“Princess Thina has ordered me to marry her when she is grown up. I tried explaining she cannot, but she is determined. I know, we all know, that as soon as she is back in the palace such thoughts will fade away, so I saw no point in breaking her heart.”
“She is familiar with you as if you were a brother or father, it will cause talk.”
“Who would find it strange here? Our ways are strange to them, not hers.”
“I’ve noticed. I better make sure the others understand. Sam, be careful, she is a child and could say the wrong thing when we return.”
I gave a sad smile. “I think she is more afraid I might speak out of turn and get into trouble.”
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He nodded. “Yes, there is that too.”
Over the next few days I noticed the men were becoming more casual with her, daring even to tease and show affection. She responded joyfully and on the rare occasion sat on their laps or hugged them.
Golden asked the question that must have been on their minds.
“When we return we have to take care of her nanny. I would not sleep knowing our princess is at her mercy. How will we do so after they have taught us at this place what they wish to?”
“The Lady is bound to be watching us.” Thorn added.
“She, the nanny, will not respond to empathy and love.” Tinas wryly said.
“As much as I dislike the idea, she cannot be our first priority.” I said. “We have to convince the king we are needed in the palace so that we can watch over her. How we deal with the nanny has to come after that. It might be a good idea for some of us not to appear to be in the group. There could be times we need help from outside or perhaps a threat to her has to be dealt with by someone not in the palace.”
Erin nodded. “I agree. Let Jan and I discuss it. He might have to remain in charge of our outside arm.”
“Where would I fit in?” I asked.
“You must hold the confidence of the king. If you succeed he might send you on secret missions or ask you to handle assassinations where he perceives a threat against the crown. The more useful you are to him the safer and more effective we can be as a group.”
“I’m not an assassin.”
“You would not do it yourself Sam!” he said, exasperated. “You would have to plan it and give orders to those who are suited to such work.”
I had not thought that far forward. What he suggested was a possibility and I feared it. How can I wish to guide her heart if my hands are bloodied? I’ve known such men, the profession changes the man to suit it. I told them of my concerns.
“Who would be more influenced by such deeds Sam, you or I? Would you rather I do it?”
“You are brutally honest and brave my friend. You are right, it will have to be my role.”
Our plans ate away at me, sickening me. I saw fool that I was, I had actually wanted to half believe my sweet Thina and hope for a life with her at my side. I knew now that to protect her I will be forced to do things that will make me an unsuitable companion for the queen I hope her to become. I wondered at my ability to grieve for something I could never have had anyway.
Thina noticed my moodiness and after trying to tease me out of it a number of times she spent more of her time, when not with the other children, talking, playing, laughing and cuddling the other men. She now openly and fondly called us her sacred 42 and the men lapped it up. I would see them give her an extra tight squeeze, love on their faces. Though it pleased me, for her sake, it began to worry me.
The day she went for a walk with Golden and Shida alone into the forest was the first time I began to fear. What if they sit somewhere to rest and she sits on a lap, what if a hand gently strokes her and not realising what she is doing she responds to that man, that hand, as she had responded to mine? Every time she disappeared somewhere with one of the men I would keenly watch them on their return; her, for the flushed bright-eyed look I know so well, and the man, for the secret guilty look I’d felt on my face.
It only took one laughing, loving look from Agga as he walked out from behind a tree with Thina’s hand in his and her eyes which I’d thought only looked like that at me, for me to take the next step. Quietly I withdrew, walked deep into the trees almost staggering under the pain of visions of his hands caressing her, not stopping as I had, of her little body and mind learning what I had so desperately tried to withhold from her. Despite all, I had one thing that I kept tightly hold of. I must not do anything to break up the sacred 42. In our unity lies her safety.
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I sat all night under the trees thinking my bitter thoughts. I did not see them as bitter. I saw them as sacrifices I have to make to ensure her safety. I cannot denounce any man for reacting to her needs - needs that I knew I had awakened in her. They, I convinced myself, were not responsible, I am.
Three days later I entered the clearing. None approached me, there were no glad cries of welcome. Everyone seemed to be busy with something or they talked in groups, so intent that they did not notice me. I went to the room provided for me to wash and change, I could smell myself and I thought there was something unhealthy about my stench.
In my room I took a towel and clothes provided by the Gillians. As I shut the wardrobe I saw myself in the mirror. I saw my red eyes, my hair messed up and with the dirt on my skin; I stood facing the vision of the demon.
“You have taken over then? There is no hope?” I sat on the edge of the bed, tears pouring. At last the feelings I had controlled so rigidly broke loose and I was wracked by my sobbing. Not because I thought I had lost my Thina, I still believed she loved me, but that only made it worse. For I had robbed her of her innocence and then been too cowardly to talk to her, explain why what we’d done was not right for her and that she should wait for the time she is mature enough to choose the man who will treasure her love. I wept for what I had done to her, I wept for the scenes I imagined, of her moaning and sighing with ecstasy as she gave herself with abandon to every man she trusts or cares for. The sacred 42 took on a new unclean meaning for me.
I tried so hard. I would go out and talk to all, drink and eat with them and rarely manage a laugh, but soon as my princess came to me, sat on my lap and looked at me with that tenderness that shines through her eyes, I would curl up inside and soon as I could I would run off into the forest, hiding from her and the guilt I carry.
As days passed she no longer came to me with joy, her approach a wounded thing, fear in her eyes. The worst was the bewilderment. How many times will I have to see her being soothed as she weeps, before I break?
My men, my friends, they tried to talk to me, without asking directly they tried to find out what is eating at me. Some were bold enough to tell me I am hurting our princess and my only answer to them was for my face to harden, making any approach impossible to them. Soon I was shunned, only those of other worlds willing to sit close to me.
There were times, sometimes deep in the forest, when I would look at the demon inside me and laugh, deriding it and myself. How stupid am I being, I would say, suffering so much guilt for imagined visions. I would be amused that I can torment myself so for one child, a female one at that. I would tell myself, take her by the hand and explain to her how bad it is for her to make public something that is meant to be private between men and women and after making her promise to stop I can relax, forget this nonsense and go back to planning a future for her. I even accused myself of acting like a lovesick adolescent or a child who has just lost a veil of treasured innocence. Nothing helped though, I had spun about so that I had lost all sense and thoughts became torments I could no longer control.
I thought of the obvious; committing suicide. Somehow I retained enough sense to realise it would be the ultimate pain I can cause her, that it will destroy whatever innocence and love she has or dares. I also do not trust the others to plan correctly for her future. I have to find a way to live with what I have turned her into.
We are taught that when we are scouting an enemy camp, the moment we have to be silent for the enemy are close by, is the moment we will feel the need to scratch, the itch intolerable, or else we will need to cough or sneeze. We are trained to control our bodies and minds so that we are able to ignore or even make these needs fade away as we concentrate on listening to what the enemy are talking about, or to create maps in our minds of where each tent is, or where most of the men sit around fires. Anything that distracts helps us take control, our instructor used to say.
I wished an instructor could have been with me the morning I woke up and found I have changed. It would have been good to have someone explain to me what had happened within my mind.
I felt calm. I thought of all that had tormented me and nothing disturbed my calm. I imagined the worst and accepted it. If my love becomes a woman who casually gives her sexual favours to others for the pleasure it gives her, that pain will only be mine, while the good she can do as our queen will change all lives for the better. I knew that somewhere hidden away in me my love still survives, but it is now a prisoner, no longer allowed to torture me. I went to the communal eating room and greeted everyone with a smile and when our princess arrived later on I greeted her with a smile and a kiss to her cheek when she came to me.
3690
She contrived to sit by me at meals, even woke up earlier to share breakfast by my side. She put her hand on my thigh, under the table, a couple of times, but I told her nicely to be a good girl. I knew I was managing to be affectionate, though the intensity was kept low, just enough to show her I am fond of her without allowing her to get too close. At this level her walks with others, her cuddles and even her accusing eyes as she stares at me from across the room do not disturb me or send me off in paroxysms of guilt. I had found a balance that was precious to me and I would not allow anything to disturb it.
Now I began to fret for our return home. Unfortunately the Lady did not visit and when I tried to talk to Alki and the others they refused to discuss it, telling me I have to wait for her. To see the youngest of the children among the Gillians soar at will above the trees and be earthbound, dependent on the Lady, chafed at me, making our enforced wait unbearable.
“She must have her reasons Sam, why do you suddenly feel you cannot trust her? When none of us did and she was an unknown force that took control of our lives, you trusted her then against all common sense. Now that we know she is good and has a reason for anything she does, you distrust her?”
“Wanting to return to our home does not translate into distrust of her Erin. We have been told she has a number of worlds to care for, so I do not expect her to be here at our beck and call. On the other hand, if she should remain away for a year, what then? Our princess will be disinherited. The old folks tell us that the gods help those who help themselves. It is time we try to help ourselves, that is all I am saying.”
“How? We do not know where we are. If we should arrive at the beach and find a ship, we would not know how to sail it or where to sail it to. Do we sail straight out or at an angle from the beach? We could sail for years with the distance growing if I take the wrong direction.”
“You would prefer to rot here at your ease?”
He flushed, bit his lip. “I will no longer keep silent. Sam, what the Lady prophesied has come true. I no longer know you. You are cold, cynical, distant and at your worst, bitter. What changed you, what has made you turn your back on our princess so that she grows thin and afraid? Do you collect her tears at night to sip upon and feed the demon within you?”
“What nonsense! I had not known you could be so fanciful. Why should she weep, I am friendly and affectionate.”
“Then don’t be! Tell her you do not love her. Make it absolutely clear so that she can weep and then get on with her life. The way you treat her now is brutal and selfish. You feed her with tiny hopes that keep her waiting and dreaming for what you no longer feel. Damn you, where is your empathy?”
“Dead! I cannot afford empathy if we are to secure her future.”
“What future! If you cannot love, how do you propose teaching her to love? If you have no empathy, where do you expect her to learn about it from? From me!? If the one she loves above all others only teaches her about false hope, how long before she believes in nothing? Is that the kind of queen you dreamt of?”
I was trembling, unable to control it. “Then I have failed. I have nothing more I can offer.”
“You gave us a dream that we were ready to commit treason and die for and now you are killing the dream. We will return to our normal lives, but I pity you, for you will always remember what you threw away. Your life is over Sam.” He walked away, not seeing that I could barely stand anymore, the trembling threatening to knock me off my feet.
A thick strong arm draped itself around my shoulders.
“Gather what you need for a few days journey. It is time we talk alone.”
He led me to my room and while I stood helplessly, he gathered some clothing and then led me off into the trees.
I hope you enjoy reading this story of fantasy, adventure and love - and should some of it be true for our reality, I hope you will love our Cherine.
Αλέξανδρος Ζήνον Ευσταθίου
(Alexander Zenon Eustace)11th December, 2019
- posted: 11th December, 2019
If you wish to read from an earlier book, from Book 01 to Book 05, use this link button to open the LC Book Index:
