Sometime last week, I was in the middle of something, reminiscing on the events surrounding my Mama's passing when it hit me. In a state of panic, I realised that I've been unconsciously suppressing the memories. You see, earlier this year, when my sister was recounting the things that happened at the time, I was a bit blank. I couldn't remember what she was talking about. Of course I didn't think something was out of place, but last week was another story.
The memories are all I have now. If I start forgetting them, what's left? I understand that my brain is trying to protect me by tricking me into forgetting the most painful parts as much as I don't want to lose them. I'm still panicked.
This here is me trying to put words together. @trucklife-family dragged me into it. I've been running away from doing something like this for a long time. The pain is still raw, perhaps? Or you could just blame my brain. I don't know how much of a poem this is, but it's most of what I've been struggling to get out since the year began. It's also my entry to @riverflows Pandemic Poetry Challenge which you can find here. Grieving in a pandemic is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
It feels too far away
Like ages past
Yet it also feels too close
Like right here and now
When I sat alone, in the dark
Wondering what to do with myself
Perhaps I'm confused
It could be memory loss
They say we suppress them
Till they disappear
Maybe it's just me
Wishing none of it happened
I remember my fingers, when the news came
How they wouldn't stop rattling
The hot tears are still familiar
The sprang from nowhere, unprovoked
Pandemic, they said
For the first time, I thought about survival
Yes, it feels like ages ago
Also like yesterday
When I touched her face
And made her smile
Once I let her see my tears
I still need to forgive myself
It's better now, they say
I walk again, like before
I love the feeling of freedom
The air on my face reminds me
Life and death
What difference does it make?
I was beginning to believe the lie
Like the masked faces on TV
And some rebels on the street
I thought about what was hidden beneath
If like me they wish to escape
What could be their demons be?
It rained yesterday
And I was like a child again
Watching the dark clouds
The birds flying in unison
For a brief moment I forgot
The smile reached my eyes
I made peace with the pain
Now, I'm embracing the grief
I loved the darkness
But the light loved me more
Like the virus, the ache may never go away
I'll be here always, facing it
Hey, @ruth-girl. I've missed your writing. Do join in. @warpedpoetic, written yours yet? @mistakili, hop in too.
first image is from the original contest post
second image