At Least it's Not Cloudy Today
Sunday is not false advertising this time.
That might be the only joke I can think of today.
See that exhibit up there? Just pretend you can't see her. She doesn't know her eyes glow. Just play along.
I recommend you pretend she's not there, for your safety. The moment you acknowledge her existence is when she jumps out and starts eating your face.
She leaves everything else. You could have the most delightful looking ass on the entire planet; she will not eat it. She doesn't go there.
As your tour guide, I'd just like you to know, I lied. I didn't have to go to the bathroom. I handed these flyers out to everyone and left because the last guy who tried to talk about her ended up losing his face. This is standard procedure now.
We cleaned that mess up, learned from our mistakes, and it won't happen again to anyone who works here. You're on your own. I hope you know how to read. It's not hard to look at something and pretend it's not there. If you value your face, you'll follow directions. Please be responsible and protect your face at all times.
If she does jump out to eat your face, don't scream. Just look away and pretend it's not happening. We're not sure if that will help or not but please realize this is the only way we can test that theory.
She's been here at the zoo for about two weeks. Nobody really knows what the hell she is. The owners decided the show must go on. They just bought a new yacht and trained the apes how to do all the work. It's kind of cute. They all wear little pirate costumes, but please understand these things cost money. That's why we don't have any apes left here at the ape exhibit. All we're left with is that thing that we're not allowed to see, so don't look, or you will lose your face.
Once you're finished not looking at her and if you still have a face, please follow the trail to the right, I'll be waiting there by the tigers. Don't get too close to the cage. That male can spray urine a good twenty feet in all directions if he wants to. You've been warned.
Have a nice day.
