The wind has slowly been working its way up to becoming a dangerous storm. This time it's not the kind of wind I want to be caught up in, like so many here are. This time it's paired with a nasty, cold rain and it's catching underneath the roof as if its plan is to rip it off the house completely. I can hear the doors of the shed banging, the crap lock has broken off the doors again, but it's no use to go outside to even try to prevent the doors from slamming. Trying this could possibly end badly. It wouldn't be the first time the wind slams the doors shut with me in between them. Or worse: open, while I'm trying to half-fix the lock. I think some bolts are in order. A few months ago, the wind caught one of the doors and ripped it clean off its hinges. Something I'm not trying to repeat this time around.
All I can hope for is that the shed's contents will not be affected by this force of nature, and all will be intact in the morning.
The morning...funny, because it's already nearing 7 a.m. It's one of those days when sleep just doesn't seem to find me, or maybe I just don't try. It's nothing new, I've always been this way on and off, and it has been reality a lot for me lately. Sometimes it's because I have work to do and just want to get it done. Some of you probably know exactly what I mean. When it flows you just don't want to stop. Sometimes it is because nothing flows. At other times it's because something or someone else occupies the time or the mind. This time it is a combination of all of the above. Too much work to do that needs to be finished, but just nothing flows. Last night the occupier was a friendly phone call from a friend that kept me from doing anything else until 2 a.m. Exactly the time when I usually get the most work done. It was needed that phone call, and she always seems to know exactly when it's needed too. Most people probably have a few people who just, like magic, call when you think of them, or need the distraction. I know I do. It's almost like you 'summon' them just by thinking of them, I seem to have it a lot, even with people I don't know that long, or that well (@basilmarples... 😉 You were summoned, and POOF: back to the Steemians you went). I have a few theories on why that is, but I'll keep that to myself for now.
The phone call was exactly what I needed in so many ways. Her partner came back from his volleyball practice after some time on the phone, and he'll usually chime in at times as if they were here in the room chatting with me. And it reminded me of something. I have been walking around with this plan, that needs a developer and I had no idea where to start. Well, he's a damn developer and I almost forgot...Funny, because usually, he'll be the first one I'd turn to with any kind of questions like that. At least now the plan can be worked out. I can send him some of the info and go from there. If he can't do it, he'll surely know someone who can. One good thing to come out of this day at least...
The funny thing is that I never really spoke to my friend about what's on my mind at all, but just having her talking to me was enough. I did, however, for the first time ever, let her know how I felt about being here. Not just in Ireland, but here in this shithole of a place, where people just don't like changes, and where strangers are accepted to a certain point, but definitely not as a friend. It's funny because you sometimes hear them say how 'some foreigners' just won't integrate. But it's them who won't let them and force the foreigners to seek each other out, instead of integrating with the Irish. Sure, when I bring one of the kids to their Gaelic football practice, or to dance class, the people will all greet with great friendliness. There's nothing to be said about the Irish's friendliness, but it's not the same as acceptance or even friendship. It's different in the larger towns and cities, but here it's very much visible every day.
And it's not much different for the kids. The friends they have, are my friend's children. The Irish, they pretty much decide who their kids' friends are, and that's usually those kids of the parents that they've known all their lives...not us. Accepted, but just not too much.
The few Irish people I can call friends, all live far away, and I don't see them but once every year or two. And it's always a great time when I do, but that's pretty much all there is to it. They have their own lives, and I have mine. So this time I told her that even though I made the choice to live in a rural area, that now it is bringing me down more than ever. I never felt it more than the last few months. My friend Sabine, who moved to Ireland 10 months before I did, moved away to another county, too far to just drive to for a visit. My friend Tonya, whom I met shortly after I moved here, recently moved back to Holland with her Dutch husband (it's funny how the Dutch still seem to find each other, wherever they go, whether they want it or not), and Judith, who moved here because of me, only lives 10 minutes from here as the crow flies, but I hardly ever see her either. The ghost that was once a refuge from my endless war of thoughts, has disappeared into oblivion, and there's really nothing or no one left.
I've never been one to need a lot of people around me, and I embraced the solitude this place brought by moving here, for quite some time. In fact, I would actively seek out even more quiet places, to feel more of the quiet. The coast, that will be one of the places I will miss dearly. The rest? Not so much. And I don't think it's even the solitude, or a feeling of loneliness that I feel right now. It's more of an empty feeling that I have. The quiet doesn't add or remove any of that. Now it just gets to me more than ever and more than I've wanted to admit to myself, or others. I mean, when you want to walk into the local shop (where the staff are more foreign than Irish, and always friendly) to ask one of them if they want to be your friend and hang out, this usually means that something is not quite right 🙄🙃... And if that person would have been there, I would have. But a different shift probably prevented me from looking stupid. Probably the best thing that could have happened. Embarrassing is not the word. I told my friend everything about that because I know that even though she doesn't always understand how my mind works, she will always have my back.
By now, it's not really an option to go to sleep, since the day here begins around 8 or 9, depending on when the first child awakens. It surely won't be the youngest this time, as he refused to go to sleep till about 5 a.m. Out of all my kids, he and my eldest are the ones who are energetically tuned into me the most. With my daughter, one look is enough to know what the other is thinking. But with him, it's like he feels what I'm feeling. And vice versa. It's not always easy that way, and I try to spare him from my never-ending waves of high and low tides, but whatever I do to change it, he feels it anyway. Sometimes he seems to read my mind, which baffles me every time, even though I should be used to it by now. When I feel restless, I can count on him becoming restless and this usually means that he becomes this energy bomb that's bouncing off the walls like a monkey on acid. When he's like that, the last thing he will do is sleep. And I can't really blame him either. If I can, I will try to get my own energy level to his, and that works wonders. But I don't always have it in me. Especially not around this time. It's different in the summer when pretty much everyone and everything draws their energy straight from the source.
So today (and yesterday) is one of those days when so much is going on, so much needs to be done, but nothing gets done.
I have an article to tune up and finish, today and I have another translation job to do, unexpectedly, also ASAP. It's all great of course because it keeps me busy and the wallet a little less empty, but when it's one of those days, it really sucks.
My mind wanders from time to time and place to place, without any aim. Like a pinball machine that's gone haywire. Just imagine that instead of the points it would give you, these would be replaced by 'do this' and 'do that', or 'finish that', but it just keeps getting stuck between two nothings...Yah...exactly like that...
So now I have three open projects, two of which need to be finished yesterday rather than tomorrow, and the other, by the end of the weekend. No sleep today, or tomorrow. But at least there's still the next day...
Thank you for reading!
